There is no greater blessing than a family hand that lifts you from a fall; but there is no lower curse than a family hand that strikes you when you're down.     -- Wes Fessler

It's taken almost a year but the other shoe finally dropped. Around this time last year, I discovered my sister had posted a lot of horrible things about me on her blog. That didn't surprise me. What did, however, was the fact that she had mentioned that I had been talking crap about her to my brother and his wife - a statement I knew was a complete lie. I fumed about it for awhile, going back and forth between wondering if my sister was saying this because she expected me to read her blog and believe her lie so it would destroy the last remaining relationship I had in my family….OR… had my brother and his wife really been lying to her about what I was saying?

Truth be told, both had a ninety-nine percent probability of being true. I decided to confront my brother. His reaction was complete anger and he wanted to know where I heard that from because he was going to "get to the bottom of these lies" since he was so sick and tired of his family being attacked. Hmmmm….Ok. So I pointed him in the direction of our sister's blog. Once he found out it was coming from her, he told me, "Seriously? Consider the source. Come on. It's Jill." They both swore up and down they had said nothing bad and they had tried and tried with both Jill and our other brother, Tom, to get them to talk things out with me and fix the family.

I believed them - at first. But then I began going over and over things in my head. Since I had removed Jill from my life, I had talked to John and his wife a total of four or five times - in over a year. I remembered these conversations mostly because whenever they came around I felt guarded. My senses were alert like my body knew what my mind didn't want to acknowledge. It felt as though they were digging for dirt because each and every time they came over, they would bring up Jill and be negative. Then they'd bring up Tom and be negative. Then they'd bring up Tom's wife and complain about her. I didn't engage in this bashing and would try to change the subject. I continued to tell them that I was trusting God with these relationships and He knew when the time would be right. I wasn't worried about it.

It was during one of these visits, my grandson's first birthday party, that they brought up Tom and his wife again. It felt like when I wouldn't take the bait, they would spill more crap. They had me in tears believing that I had lost my brother for good and that his wife was alienating him from his family.

I starting trying to piece things together- their stories changed a lot; facts changed; details they had been quick to spill during one visit would be suddenly 'forgotten' and couldn't be recalled. I like to watch people's faces and how they talk with their words and bodies. When you're a child of sexual abuse, you become keenly perspective on levels a normal child doesn't have to think about. You're always on high alert - you can smell a change in the air, unconsciously catch the twitch in the abuser's cheek before he grabs you….you notice things. I noticed quite a bit with my brother and his wife.

So fast forward to this past spring. My brother, Tom, and I began hashing things out and getting reacquainted. It was during one of our talks that the first shoe dropped. I'm not going to share any details of our talks because Tom is the only family member I have that I know I can always trust. We can be real with each other and that's what I crave most is real, honest relationships. He did let me know that John had repeatedly told them that my daughter and I were continually badmouthing them. I remember my mouth falling open and I was speechless. He had told me and my daughter the same thing about them. All lies.

Again, I've been stewing about this for a few months now. I was going to confront him but kept putting it off. A few days ago, I get a text from him giving me his new phone number and he asks if my phone is broke because I haven't been responding to his calls. I went on to tell him that I was mad at him because of what I'd found out.

 Hold on....THIS is how you get your family back together? By lying?

Notice I gave him an opportunity to fix things here by suggesting we get together and talk about it with Tom. If Tom was lying it would have been the perfect opportunity to call him out on it. 

Or, if John had really wanted to get his family back, be honorable and do the right thing.....this would be the time to sit down and talk about it.  

Ahhhh....here again. " I don't remember anything that has been said." This is a classic line with these two when they can't keep all of their lies straight. 

Now suddenly he's OK with us fighting? Just a second ago didn't you say.....something else? 


Oh, yes. You're the only one in the world who has to face life on a daily basis. You're also the only one with problems.

 Uh. What?! 

Get. Over. It.


This is simply a demeaning way for someone to say, " I know I hurt you. I know I was wrong. BUT...I don't care!"

Ok, you've been lied to your whole life (Please. Seriously?) so it's completely acceptable for you to do it to others. Uhm. NO.

I really have something to say here. No. I'm NOT quick to force people out of my life. 

I'm 45 years old. FORTY FIVE! 

Just in the past few years have I even begun to believe that I am worthy of love and respect and taking care of myself. I've learned that I matter. I MATTER! How I feel matters. How people treat me and how I allow them to treat me matters. 

I used to be a door mat.
Followed the crowd and did what I was told.
Didn't speak up for myself.
Took a lot of shit from a lot of people.
I was a very negative person.

But NO MORE!  

I don't remove people from my life on a whim, simply because I get upset by what they've said or done. I remove them when I notice a pattern of years and years of the same crap, same lies and same behaviors. 

Those same people are so fast to point fingers at me and scream that I'm being unfair, unreasonable and looking for drama. Nope. I've changed. I cannot and will not be controlled by anyone any more. I think for myself. I do what I need to do to take care of myself. 

"Stop focusing on the negative and look at the good shit." Believe me - I am. That's why I've removed so many people from my life. I surround myself with the good because I don't have time for the drama.

No - not all things can be talked about and worked through. I gave you that opportunity and you shot it down. (See above.) Plus, when you refuse to acknowledge your behavior and change what you're doing - there is no hope of a relationship.


 What the fuck have you done, Indeed!  

Well, for the record.... we've never had any issues between us. And there's never been a time I cut you out of my life. So much for THAT history. It can't be history if it hasn't ever happened before. 







You know....the content of what you said doesn't matter one teensy, tiny bit. 

Because..... 

You repeatedly approached people I love and lied to them about me. You. Lied. About. The. Words. That. Never. Came. Out. Of. My. Mouth.

So, THIS, my dear brother is why I remove people from my life. 

When they....

REPEATEDLY.

DELIBERATELY.

PURPOSE TO HURT ME.

 And now the world can know..... I haven't bad mouthed my sister, my brother or my mother. Someone else was doing it for me without my permission. 

I yelled out a triumphant, "Yes!" when I ran across this article. It's so validating to hear someone else say what I've been saying and feeling. 

So, last month my brother removed me from his life. Never in a million years did I ever think that would happen but, truthfully, saw it coming. Ever since Dad was arrested and the truth became public knowledge, it's been on a slow boil. I knew he was having trouble with it but he did what he needed to in order to survive through the hell we as a family faced - buried it. He also became a rock for me when I was interviewed by the police, fell apart while Dad was jailed, watched him plead "Guilty" and then when I faced him in court and read my victim impact statement. I love him for that. We were all suffering, falling apart and completely lost. Yet he held it together long enough to see me through the first phase.

He has very little information or insight on what I've lived through since then. He knows the basics: flashbacks, nightmares, therapy, support groups, anxiety and the list goes on and on. But none of my family knows exactly what the last 5 years have held for me. In fact, my kids know more than my siblings because they lived through most of it with me. I knew we were all fighting our battles which is one reason I didn't talk with my siblings about it. But it was also all I could do to make it through my own garbage. 

My fiance knows it all and he's the only one that does.

• The ugly details of the abuse and our dysfunctional family
• Nightmare upon nightmare night after night
• Needing to sleep with the lights on and a knife under my pillow
• Anxiety so bad that I withdrew from everyone
• Depression so dark and debiliating that I prayed and begged God to let me die. I will never forget the look on my fiance's face the nights he sat up and watched over me because he was afraid to leave me alone. 
• Trigger after trigger after trigger - never knew what would set me off, bring back a memory, set off a flashback. It could be a smell, an expression on someone's face, the feeling of fabric....it was hell.
• The complete breakdown of our intimate life 
• Crying, screaming, absolutely shutting down on a daily basis
• The exhaustion of therapy and processing through memories, lies, feelings every week for the past 5 years 

 Again, that's a very basic list. And even through all the therapy, processing and healing - these things continue to happen TODAY. That's what people don't understand when they question why I still talk about what happened to me. I was forced to be silent almost my entire life.

For you to ask me to be silent AGAIN because you refuse to deal with your own issues - is just like abusing me all over again. 

When my brother removed me from his life my reaction shocked me and reaffirmed to me just how far I've come. I didn't cry and flip out. I didn't obsess over it. I simply took a deep breath and reminded myself that THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME. It's all about HIM.

Darlene writes:

"The biggest reason that people persuaded me not to talk about child abuse and dysfunctional family stuff was either because THEY didn’t want to be exposed or because they knew that if they sided with me or even if they validated me, then they would have to face their own dysfunctional family stuff. They were not trying to help me live a better life in freedom and wholeness with their “just let it go” directives.

Were they really telling me to accept that people messed with my head, discounted and devalued me, took advantage of me, taught me that something was “wrong with me”, abused, mistreated and objectified me, and telling me that I should just “get over it”? In that dysfunctional recovery system, everyone endorsed “keeping the silence” and no one wanted to talk about spending some time actually validating the dysfunction first."

It is so hard to face the dysfunction of your own family, to try to reprogram the false beliefs you've been fed and weed through the decades of lies you thought were real. It's painful. It's exhausting. It's easier to close your eyes and pretend none of it exists and nothing has changed. I get it. 

But do not ever tell me to STFU about my story. It's not going to happen. I will speak my truth, I will tell my story and I will continue to help others find their own voice. I've always put others and my family first before I even considered myself. No more. I'm now choosing what's best for me, looking out for me and taking care of me. I'm sorry if you have a problem with that. You need to open your eyes when you stand in front of that mirror - it holds all the truth you need.

Just like Darlene said -

"I will speak my truth. I will tell my story. Look at my life today! I am free. I am living a full and happy life bursting with wholeness and freedom in the sunlight of the truth and no longer in the shadow of the lie.  The fact that they are not happy for me is actually more proof of the dysfunctional system they live in. Like crabs in a bucket, clambering over each other to get out but only pulling each other back down because really, no one wants another little crab to escape into freedom if the darkness of the bucket is the fate of the rest. Well too bad for them. I finally stood up to them and stood up for me. I finally chose ME over them. I escaped. I don’t live in that darkness anymore and it feels GREAT to have the sun on my face!" 

 http://emergingfrombroken.com/being-told-to-leave-the-past-in-the-past/