There is no greater blessing than a family hand that lifts you from a fall; but there is no lower curse than a family hand that strikes you when you're down.     -- Wes Fessler

It's taken almost a year but the other shoe finally dropped. Around this time last year, I discovered my sister had posted a lot of horrible things about me on her blog. That didn't surprise me. What did, however, was the fact that she had mentioned that I had been talking crap about her to my brother and his wife - a statement I knew was a complete lie. I fumed about it for awhile, going back and forth between wondering if my sister was saying this because she expected me to read her blog and believe her lie so it would destroy the last remaining relationship I had in my family….OR… had my brother and his wife really been lying to her about what I was saying?

Truth be told, both had a ninety-nine percent probability of being true. I decided to confront my brother. His reaction was complete anger and he wanted to know where I heard that from because he was going to "get to the bottom of these lies" since he was so sick and tired of his family being attacked. Hmmmm….Ok. So I pointed him in the direction of our sister's blog. Once he found out it was coming from her, he told me, "Seriously? Consider the source. Come on. It's Jill." They both swore up and down they had said nothing bad and they had tried and tried with both Jill and our other brother, Tom, to get them to talk things out with me and fix the family.

I believed them - at first. But then I began going over and over things in my head. Since I had removed Jill from my life, I had talked to John and his wife a total of four or five times - in over a year. I remembered these conversations mostly because whenever they came around I felt guarded. My senses were alert like my body knew what my mind didn't want to acknowledge. It felt as though they were digging for dirt because each and every time they came over, they would bring up Jill and be negative. Then they'd bring up Tom and be negative. Then they'd bring up Tom's wife and complain about her. I didn't engage in this bashing and would try to change the subject. I continued to tell them that I was trusting God with these relationships and He knew when the time would be right. I wasn't worried about it.

It was during one of these visits, my grandson's first birthday party, that they brought up Tom and his wife again. It felt like when I wouldn't take the bait, they would spill more crap. They had me in tears believing that I had lost my brother for good and that his wife was alienating him from his family.

I starting trying to piece things together- their stories changed a lot; facts changed; details they had been quick to spill during one visit would be suddenly 'forgotten' and couldn't be recalled. I like to watch people's faces and how they talk with their words and bodies. When you're a child of sexual abuse, you become keenly perspective on levels a normal child doesn't have to think about. You're always on high alert - you can smell a change in the air, unconsciously catch the twitch in the abuser's cheek before he grabs you….you notice things. I noticed quite a bit with my brother and his wife.

So fast forward to this past spring. My brother, Tom, and I began hashing things out and getting reacquainted. It was during one of our talks that the first shoe dropped. I'm not going to share any details of our talks because Tom is the only family member I have that I know I can always trust. We can be real with each other and that's what I crave most is real, honest relationships. He did let me know that John had repeatedly told them that my daughter and I were continually badmouthing them. I remember my mouth falling open and I was speechless. He had told me and my daughter the same thing about them. All lies.

Again, I've been stewing about this for a few months now. I was going to confront him but kept putting it off. A few days ago, I get a text from him giving me his new phone number and he asks if my phone is broke because I haven't been responding to his calls. I went on to tell him that I was mad at him because of what I'd found out.

 Hold on....THIS is how you get your family back together? By lying?

Notice I gave him an opportunity to fix things here by suggesting we get together and talk about it with Tom. If Tom was lying it would have been the perfect opportunity to call him out on it. 

Or, if John had really wanted to get his family back, be honorable and do the right thing.....this would be the time to sit down and talk about it.  

Ahhhh....here again. " I don't remember anything that has been said." This is a classic line with these two when they can't keep all of their lies straight. 

Now suddenly he's OK with us fighting? Just a second ago didn't you say.....something else? 


Oh, yes. You're the only one in the world who has to face life on a daily basis. You're also the only one with problems.

 Uh. What?! 

Get. Over. It.


This is simply a demeaning way for someone to say, " I know I hurt you. I know I was wrong. BUT...I don't care!"

Ok, you've been lied to your whole life (Please. Seriously?) so it's completely acceptable for you to do it to others. Uhm. NO.

I really have something to say here. No. I'm NOT quick to force people out of my life. 

I'm 45 years old. FORTY FIVE! 

Just in the past few years have I even begun to believe that I am worthy of love and respect and taking care of myself. I've learned that I matter. I MATTER! How I feel matters. How people treat me and how I allow them to treat me matters. 

I used to be a door mat.
Followed the crowd and did what I was told.
Didn't speak up for myself.
Took a lot of shit from a lot of people.
I was a very negative person.

But NO MORE!  

I don't remove people from my life on a whim, simply because I get upset by what they've said or done. I remove them when I notice a pattern of years and years of the same crap, same lies and same behaviors. 

Those same people are so fast to point fingers at me and scream that I'm being unfair, unreasonable and looking for drama. Nope. I've changed. I cannot and will not be controlled by anyone any more. I think for myself. I do what I need to do to take care of myself. 

"Stop focusing on the negative and look at the good shit." Believe me - I am. That's why I've removed so many people from my life. I surround myself with the good because I don't have time for the drama.

No - not all things can be talked about and worked through. I gave you that opportunity and you shot it down. (See above.) Plus, when you refuse to acknowledge your behavior and change what you're doing - there is no hope of a relationship.


 What the fuck have you done, Indeed!  

Well, for the record.... we've never had any issues between us. And there's never been a time I cut you out of my life. So much for THAT history. It can't be history if it hasn't ever happened before. 







You know....the content of what you said doesn't matter one teensy, tiny bit. 

Because..... 

You repeatedly approached people I love and lied to them about me. You. Lied. About. The. Words. That. Never. Came. Out. Of. My. Mouth.

So, THIS, my dear brother is why I remove people from my life. 

When they....

REPEATEDLY.

DELIBERATELY.

PURPOSE TO HURT ME.

 And now the world can know..... I haven't bad mouthed my sister, my brother or my mother. Someone else was doing it for me without my permission. 

So many things happening right now! Today I'm spending some time finalizing things for the Rise of the Phoenix Healing Support Group - agenda, rules, goals, etc. Hopefully I'll be able to finish planning our first lesson/ discussion this weekend, also. We start in just a hair over two weeks!! After dreaming of this for 6 years - I can't believe how incredibly FAST it has all come together. 

This morning I manned (womaned) the booth for the Sexual Assault Center at the Buffalo Wellness Expo. Truthfully, I was kind of dreading it even though I had volunteered myself.

• I'm not an outgoing person. Huge introvert here!
• I hate small talk with people I don't know.
• I was going alone.

And the biggest reason..... people avoid anything relating to sexual assault or abuse like the plague. It's like having a booth where you give away free STD's - no one is going to visit it. I had just set up the booth when one of the administrators for the Expo came over and explained that our booth was one of the places visitors had to stop to receive a stamp in order to be entered in the drawing for the iPad mini.

 I giggled a little. Ha! You will all HAVE to acknowledge this issue today! 

Then she gave me my stamp. It was a Giraffe! My favorite animal - next to the goat. It was like a sign. A sign that I was in the exact spot where I was supposed to be today. For four hours I watched people as they started down the aisle where I was located. Some of them would make eye contact with me.....and then see the sign on the tablecloth. They looked as if they had just witnessed their parents having sex and quickly moved on only to realize I held one of the keys they needed to unlock the golden egg. They would return, almost shamefully, and ask in their most polite voice for a stamp. I would oblige, of course, with a huge smile. Ha! Gotcha! 

I actually had two people - 1 male and 1 female- make jokes. 

"Hey! I haven't been sexually assaulted in years. Where do I sign up?!" 

"I was told at one of the other booths that I can get sexually assaulted for free at your booth." 

I felt like punching them both in the throat but I managed to refrain. If they had ever been a victim of sexual violence or had a loved one who had been - rape jokes would not be funny to them. But this is how our society is. Rape jokes are 'funny'. Sexual assault is the victim's fault. Sexual abuse should not be talked about because it is shameful. Hello, People! Educate yourselves. 

This subject needs discussed because the silence and jokes only hide the issue and destroy lives. 

Others, surprisingly, were not in avoidance mode and walked straight up to the booth to grab fliers, ask about our services and support groups. I became choked up on more than one occasion when person after person came up to me and thanked me for what I was doing. 

"My daughter is a Survivor." 

"I work with several kids who use these services."

"I am a Survivor. I know this too well."

"I've never needed these services and don't know what it is like but there is more of this out there than anyone knows. Thank you." 

I don't do what I do to get recognition. Anyone who truly knows me knows that it makes me uncomfortable to be in the spotlight. I do this because I lived the shame, pain and fear. I made it through the darkness and want to help others find their way. But today it felt good to hear Thank You so many times. Every time someone said those words to me I heard a still, small voice inside say, "You belong right here. This is your path." 

This past week, I've received confirmation after confirmation that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That every step I've taken to get here has served its purpose. That each decision I've made has been the right one. Even the painful and negative (in some people's minds) decision to cut my parents and siblings out of my life has been reaffirmed to me this past week. It never ceases to amaze me that God knows the exact time we need to hear things. 

I feel a shift happening. A shaking off of all things painful, negative and oppressive that have hung over my head for so long. There is this ball of energy I feel deep within my soul that feels as if its about to burst and I can't wait to see what emerges! 

"Though silence is not necessarily an admission, it is not a denial, either." Marcus Tullius Cicero

 It's been 4 months since I sent my mom the email confronting her about her knowledge of my abuse. She has yet to even acknowledge that I said anything to her. Instead, she has whined and cried to my brother about it and also claimed that I disowned her - which is a lie. 

Does she think that by pretending I never said anything that it will go away? That I will just one day forget that she walked in on the abuse and chose to turn around, leave the house and let it continue? Does she think that by not saying anything that she is professing her innocence? 

I don't get it! If I had ever, ever, EVER hurt my children in any way, shape or form and they came back and confronted me on it - I would be apologizing and talking to them about it, trying to figure out how to make things right again. There would never be a chance in hell that I would ignore their pain. Especially a pain that I caused. 

In the email I told her I forgave her. However, that doesn't relieve her from the responsibility she has to take accountability for it and also talk to me about it. She doesn't talk to me, interact with me or even give a shit about me but wants to be "friends" on Facebook while she bad mouths me to my sibling. 

I have come to accept the fact that I am an orphan - always have been. Sure, I had parents who put a roof over my head and food in my belly but that is about it. Because at the age of 9, when the abuse started, both of my parents turned their backs on me and decided I wasn't good enough and wasn't worthy to be loved or cared for. 

One abused me and the other closed their eyes.

Neither are a part of my life now. Why? Because I found my voice. Because I became strong and healthy. Because I no longer let people walk on me and I stand up for myself and what I believe. Because I speak my Truth. Because I refuse to ever be silent again. Because I made them look at themselves.

My siblings and I were raised in a highly dysfunctional family. It remains this way today. I always viewed my sister as a trouble-maker and pot stirrer because she was constantly bringing things up and trying to talk about things. As I look back, she was the only one even remotely healthy in our family. She spent many years in group homes and therapy where they taught her to confront, communicate, hash things out, own and share her feelings - all things we were discouraged from doing. It wasn't until I went through 5 years of therapy myself that I finally learned what healthy communication was. It was all the things my sister had been trying to get us to do for years. 

My sister and I are the only ones in the family who can now sit down together and even though we disagree, can talk about things, gain an understanding of each other and support each other - even though we walk away still in disagreement. She is the only family member that I feel I can trust and talk to because we KNOW HOW. 

I refuse to be a part of that dysfunction anymore. I refuse to partake in gossip and listen to you bitch and moan about another family member when you should be talking to them. My brother disowned me - for many reasons - but mainly because he still lives in the dysfunction and it feels safe for him. Anything about communication, talking about past hurts, or hashing things out is considered drama to him. I feel sad about that because he is missing out. He doesn't understand that it's not drama - it's healthy communication.

Will she ever acknowledge me and what I said? Will she be accountable for her actions? Will she swallow her pride and begin to mend the relationship? Probably not. Neither of my parents will. EVER. When they become old and sick - I won't be there. When they die - I will not be there holding their hand. When it comes time to bury them - I will not be there, either. They have shown me what I have meant to them and continue to show me to this day. 

Releasing them from my life is not only necessary but OKAY. I have a right to protect myself and draw boundaries. 

And the line has been drawn.

I yelled out a triumphant, "Yes!" when I ran across this article. It's so validating to hear someone else say what I've been saying and feeling. 

So, last month my brother removed me from his life. Never in a million years did I ever think that would happen but, truthfully, saw it coming. Ever since Dad was arrested and the truth became public knowledge, it's been on a slow boil. I knew he was having trouble with it but he did what he needed to in order to survive through the hell we as a family faced - buried it. He also became a rock for me when I was interviewed by the police, fell apart while Dad was jailed, watched him plead "Guilty" and then when I faced him in court and read my victim impact statement. I love him for that. We were all suffering, falling apart and completely lost. Yet he held it together long enough to see me through the first phase.

He has very little information or insight on what I've lived through since then. He knows the basics: flashbacks, nightmares, therapy, support groups, anxiety and the list goes on and on. But none of my family knows exactly what the last 5 years have held for me. In fact, my kids know more than my siblings because they lived through most of it with me. I knew we were all fighting our battles which is one reason I didn't talk with my siblings about it. But it was also all I could do to make it through my own garbage. 

My fiance knows it all and he's the only one that does.

• The ugly details of the abuse and our dysfunctional family
• Nightmare upon nightmare night after night
• Needing to sleep with the lights on and a knife under my pillow
• Anxiety so bad that I withdrew from everyone
• Depression so dark and debiliating that I prayed and begged God to let me die. I will never forget the look on my fiance's face the nights he sat up and watched over me because he was afraid to leave me alone. 
• Trigger after trigger after trigger - never knew what would set me off, bring back a memory, set off a flashback. It could be a smell, an expression on someone's face, the feeling of fabric....it was hell.
• The complete breakdown of our intimate life 
• Crying, screaming, absolutely shutting down on a daily basis
• The exhaustion of therapy and processing through memories, lies, feelings every week for the past 5 years 

 Again, that's a very basic list. And even through all the therapy, processing and healing - these things continue to happen TODAY. That's what people don't understand when they question why I still talk about what happened to me. I was forced to be silent almost my entire life.

For you to ask me to be silent AGAIN because you refuse to deal with your own issues - is just like abusing me all over again. 

When my brother removed me from his life my reaction shocked me and reaffirmed to me just how far I've come. I didn't cry and flip out. I didn't obsess over it. I simply took a deep breath and reminded myself that THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME. It's all about HIM.

Darlene writes:

"The biggest reason that people persuaded me not to talk about child abuse and dysfunctional family stuff was either because THEY didn’t want to be exposed or because they knew that if they sided with me or even if they validated me, then they would have to face their own dysfunctional family stuff. They were not trying to help me live a better life in freedom and wholeness with their “just let it go” directives.

Were they really telling me to accept that people messed with my head, discounted and devalued me, took advantage of me, taught me that something was “wrong with me”, abused, mistreated and objectified me, and telling me that I should just “get over it”? In that dysfunctional recovery system, everyone endorsed “keeping the silence” and no one wanted to talk about spending some time actually validating the dysfunction first."

It is so hard to face the dysfunction of your own family, to try to reprogram the false beliefs you've been fed and weed through the decades of lies you thought were real. It's painful. It's exhausting. It's easier to close your eyes and pretend none of it exists and nothing has changed. I get it. 

But do not ever tell me to STFU about my story. It's not going to happen. I will speak my truth, I will tell my story and I will continue to help others find their own voice. I've always put others and my family first before I even considered myself. No more. I'm now choosing what's best for me, looking out for me and taking care of me. I'm sorry if you have a problem with that. You need to open your eyes when you stand in front of that mirror - it holds all the truth you need.

Just like Darlene said -

"I will speak my truth. I will tell my story. Look at my life today! I am free. I am living a full and happy life bursting with wholeness and freedom in the sunlight of the truth and no longer in the shadow of the lie.  The fact that they are not happy for me is actually more proof of the dysfunctional system they live in. Like crabs in a bucket, clambering over each other to get out but only pulling each other back down because really, no one wants another little crab to escape into freedom if the darkness of the bucket is the fate of the rest. Well too bad for them. I finally stood up to them and stood up for me. I finally chose ME over them. I escaped. I don’t live in that darkness anymore and it feels GREAT to have the sun on my face!" 

 http://emergingfrombroken.com/being-told-to-leave-the-past-in-the-past/