1.    I’m a runner. I finally made my dream a reality.

2.    By the time fall arrives, I will have run at least 6 5Ks, 2 5K Adventure races and hopefully will be doing the Iron Girl Duathlon.

3.    The farthest one will be in Pequot Lakes.

4.    Running has significantly improved my asthma.

5.    I haven’t used my inhaler at all while running or even after!

6.    I’ll graduate in 2 weeks from Rasmussen but the ceremony isn’t until September.

7.    I’ll be the only one in my immediate family to have a college degree.

8.    Taking the summer off and am already registered for fall to start my BS in Healthcare Management.

9.    Already talking about my Master’s. Why wouldn’t I continue on?!

10. I have stayed on the Dean’s List the entire 2 years of school – maintaining a 3.80 GPA.

11. I’m looking forward to having the summer OFF! I’ve gone to school for 2 straight years and I just need a break.

12.  As of January 1, 2011 I kicked my Coke habit cold turkey. Only to start it up again on May 10^th – the day I dropped my brother off in Hibbing.

13.  It’s the nastiest habit ever but it is a weird comfort, coping thing for me. I’m quitting again tomorrow.

14.  If I don’t, I will pick up all the bad habits I used to have and I want to change my coping skills in order to deal with this deployment.

15. Besides, my brother will NOT beat me at this game! LOL

16.  I’m at the best place ever in my life – spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

17.  My relationship with God is healing. He has worked very patiently with me on trusting Him and letting Him be God.

18. I’m relieved and at peace with this.

19.  I feel like I’m back home.

20.  People keep asking me when we’re getting married. I hate that question.

21.  Yep, been together 11 years. We’re waiting until we have the money saved up for the honeymoon we want. Does that answer your question?

22.  Oh, where are we going? Greece. Possibly on a transatlantic cruise to there or a Mediterranean cruise to Greece, Turkey and Egypt. Or just to Greece. Can’t decide.

23. Plus, I want to finish my BS.

24.  Yep, things could change. I could change my mind and decide we’re getting married tomorrow. The date is up to me. But right now those are the plans so please don’t ask again.

25.  I hate a member of our family. She is a fake, a liar, rude and mean. She blames it on us.

26.  What isn’t seen is all the times we try to talk to her, include her and be nice to her yet we get totally ignored like she’s freaking Helen Keller. She won’t even look at us or acknowledge we’re there.

27. What isn’t seen is the times when she puts on a show and pretends to talk to us and be nice when eyes are on her.

28.  I’m tired of the bullshit and tired of being blamed for things that aren’t true. I won’t say anything, though, because it would only hurt someone I love very much.

29.  I love coupons and rebates!

30.  My favorite stores are Nike and Barnes & Noble.

31.  I am active in Operation Minnesota Nice and I love the feeling of making a difference in a soldier’s life. It’s the least I can do for them.

32.  I cry when I’m packing the boxes for my soldier and my brother because I wonder who isn’t getting any care packages or mail from home and I wish I could send something to everyone.

33.  Ever since my brother’s joined the military, I cry every time I hear the National Anthem.

34.  I cry a lot lately.

35.  It’s because I have so much to be thankful for. I’m so blessed in so many ways I can’t even begin to count.

36. I’m extremely proud of my brothers and their unselfish service to our country. And proud of our family for our strength.

37.  My life has completely changed in the past year on every level.

38.  I’ve crossed off quite a bit of my Goals for 2011 list but keep wanting to add more.

39.  Crossing things off my lists – whether it’s my year list, weekly list, daily list or whatever list I have going – gives me great satisfaction.

40.  I carry a planner and write everything in it. It’s my road map.

41.  The Big Bang Theory makes me laugh out loud. Sheldon’s a hoot.

42.  I can’t sleep without my big blue comforter. I even take it to hotels!

43.  My hair is the shortest its been since 10^th grade…25 years!

44.  And I love it!

45.  Sean…not so much. He wants my long hair and curls back.

46.  One of my favorite things is my juicer. It’s fun coming up with different concoctions. The only bad part is cleaning it.

47.  While we were away for the week in Hibbing, I missed our dog so much that it hurt. I couldn’t wait to get home and snuggle with him!

48.  I hate dancing, singing and talent reality shows.

49.  Found out that Pitbull wasn’t black…and was disappointed. I love that guy’s voice.

50.  I hate shopping. Unless it’s for shoes, books, cleaning / office supplies and fitness stuff.

51.  I don’t like scary movies. I don’t even like shows like CSI anymore.

52.  They give me nightmares.

53.  Loved the Hangover 2.

54.  Laughed so hard at Bridesmaids that I was crying. Thankfully, I didn’t pee myself.

55.  I steal pens. From wherever I go. I can’t help it.

56.  I can’t wait until this Coding Practicum class is O.V.E.R. Even though I have a 99% in it – I really hate this class!

57.  I would much rather take College Algebra again. That’s how bad I hate it.

58.  It has to be at least 90 degrees outside before I stop being cold.

59.  I really live in the wrong state.

60.  I’ve never felt so loved in my life by so many different people.

61.  My favorite room to clean in the house is the laundry room.

62.  That’s weird.

63.  I rock myself to sleep a lot of the time. It’s a coping and self-soothing technique I learned as a child that stuck with me. Sometimes it really annoys me.

64.  I’ve learned to stop and enjoy and appreciate the small things in life. I must be getting older and wiser.

65.  My Android is driving me up the wall. I’m getting an iPhone.

66.  The main reason is so I can use the Nike+ app with the chip in my shoes.

67.  The other reason: so I can Skype by video with my brother when he’s in Iraq and I’m not by my computer.

68.  I hate the fact that I’m getting an iPhone. I don’t like following the crowds and buying things that are “all the hype.”

69.  My favorite apps right now are MyFitnessPal, Runkeeper and Angry Birds.

70.  I eat better when I use MyFitnessPal. And I’m more conscious of my water intake.

71.  I love Sean. Completely. No questions.

72.  I have several blogs and toy around with the idea of merging them.

73. Well, all except the one. The truth sets you free – found out that a lot of people already knew the truth and I never needed to protect myself. Relief.

74.  I just can’t seem to do it because I like to keep things separate and orderly.

75.  A goal for this summer is to write more. Blogging, poetry, book….just write!

76.  Going to write a children’s book with my daughter.

77.  Or several.

78.  Hopefully get them published!

79.  One of my favorite things to do is snuggle up in bed and watch animated and kids’ movies.

80.  Or pre-20^th century period movies.

81.  I found out that tequila and I don’t like each other.

82.  I’d really like to get rid of everything in our house (except personal things) and start over.

83.  Oh, great…there’s the start of another list.

84.  I’ve started to collect Fiesta ware. I don’t know why I didn’t start that 20 years ago when I wanted to. I’d have more than a full set by now.

85.  I really like to go browsing around in antique stores. Thankfully, my kids do, too. It’s a fun way to spend a Saturday together.

86.  I wonder why they’re called antique stores? They should really be called rummage stores….treasure chests?

87.  Saw my first June bug of the year yesterday. Yuck!

88.  Every time I see a June bug it reminds me of being a kid and I start to giggle because there’s a funny story that goes with it.

89.  I can’t wait to go fishing with Sean on the weekends!

90.  Finally found the Yellow Brick Road. Followed it. Didn’t find the Wizard.

91.  Not even a munchkin.

92.  Sorely disappointed.

93.  We did, however, find Dorothy. And her house. And her ruby slippers.

94.  I crave Godfather’s pizza often. Just typing that makes my mouth water.

95. My days start between 4:30 & 5:00 am. I really like the early morning hours. That means I’m home shortly after lunch.

96.  I hate gossip.

97.  I can’t believe how different this list is from the first one I made.

98.  What a difference a year on your healing journey can bring.

99.  I still haven’t been able to do the “100 Things I Like About Myself” list.

100.              I’m going to add that to my Goals for 2011 list.

Cameron Andrew 9 lbs. 21 1/2 inches 2:01 am

Today is my baby boy's birthday. I can't believe he's 14 years old already!

I miss that tiny little boy who would run around in just his diaper, constantly eating and on the go doing boy things. I miss how he would come up behind me when I'd be sitting on the floor and he'd wrap his little arms around me, lay his head on my back and say, "Love you, Mama."

I miss the busy underwear and boots clad boy whose crazy antics would have us in hysterics. He was always shoving light sabers and 'guns' in his underwear pretending to either be a police man, army guy or Luke Skywalker. He was continually running...never walked...and so curious about how things worked and why things existed.

I miss our nightly routine of laying in his little toddler bed together. First we'd go through the list of all the people who loved him, then we'd go through a list of things he was thankful for that day. This was followed by a recap of the day and all the things that happened that made him laugh or cry. Next came his prayers and then I'd sing to him. There were three songs he loved: Jesus Loves Cameron (Jesus Loves Me revised), You're My Little Cameron (You're My Little Potato revised) and You Are My Sunshine.

I still call him my Sunshine to this day but when I try to sing it to him the response isn't the same. There is no crawling into my lap and snuggling up to me. Though he still, at 14, always always always comes to me and hugs me before he leaves to go somewhere or before he goes to bed. He still tells me he loves me. He'll even text me from his bed every night. The latest one - "Good night mom. love you and thank you. i had fun with you today." Makes my heart melt.

I've had bronchitis for the past 3 weeks and he was continually asking me if I needed anything, doing things for me and reminding me to lay down and rest. His heart is so big and giving. I pray it stays that way. His curiosity is still active and I'm daily bombarded with "why" and 'what if" questions. Thank God for the internet because his mind is insatiable! He no longer pretends to be Luke Skywalker or a police man. But he does dream of following in his uncle's footsteps and being in the army. Though he wants to be a Drill Sargent, not a Cav Scout. He is still shy but slowly coming out of that shell. He's respectful and sensitive...and still a joker with the ability to make us laugh.

I am so proud of the young man he is becoming and everything he already is. And I thank God for giving me such a wonderful gift.

I was invited to sit on a panel during a training session for social workers, probation officers, therapists and some other people to discuss the services we had received while Michaela was going through her depression and self-harm. There were 4 other moms on the panel. One had brought her daughter, Michaela's age, who had also outgrown her need for the programs. Another mom had brought her 3 children who were currently still receiving many services - to the tune of 6-8 appointments per week. Their ages were 18, 16 and 14 and I admire their bravery and willingness to come and share things in their life that were so personal, painful and raw. 

The professionals wanted to hear our stories and wanted our feedback on the good things we had to say and ideas on what needs to change. They also wanted to hear our thoughts on ways they could change in their approach to clients. I was very impressed with the professionals and how open they were to everything we had to say.

What I was more impressed with, though, were those of us who had a story to tell, those of us who were sharing such private and painful struggles with total strangers. And the way we all bonded together and supported each other on that panel. It was truly amazing.

Here we are - Mothers - with children that have or had mental health issues. We each shared the frustration and complete madness of trying and trying to get help for our children for years before anyone would listen to us. By the time we were finally believed and heard, the damage to our children was deep and not easily healed.

We all shared the pain and heartbreak of helplessly watching our children suffer and disappear into that black hole a little more each day having no idea how to save them from their illness or themselves.

We had all walked the lonely road of shame and guilt while uneducated and judgmental people had pointed fingers, labeled us bad moms, and judged our children and us without trying to understand what mental illness looked like or meant. 

I did not expect it to be such an emotional day. I thought the pain was behind me because Michaela is happy, independent, off any and all medications and  setting goals and achieving them just as quickly. But when the 18 year old girl who was still using services and currently in rehab began to tell her story, I lost it when she described herself as a self-mutilator. The painful memories of my daughter's raw cuts all over her body came flooding back at me. My heart went out to this girl who rocked back and forth as she talked in an effort to self-soothe. I wanted to scoop her up into my arms and rock her. I looked more closely at this girl as she talked so openly about her struggles, laying her heart right out in the open for everyone to see. She reminded me of my Angel Girl so long ago: hair dyed black, black fingernails, black jeans, black tennies, black tank top covered by a black hooded sweatshirt. She, too, had made several suicide attempts. The last time she had almost succeeded and expressed her joy that she had been found before it was too late.

My mind flashed back to that night when I was sleeping and suddenly woke up, feeling something was wrong. In my mind I heard Michaela yelling for me which was strange because I wasn't hearing it with my ears. The house was silent. I ran upstairs and burst into her room to find her there - bright red blood pouring down her legs and pooling onto her carpet. I had never seen so much blood in my life. And to see it coming from your child is a sickening feeling. I screamed her name and grabbed the first thing I could find to press onto the gaping, long cuts. I felt helpless, sick and so sad. I haven't felt that kind of complete and empty sadness before. I had no words. I wrapped her in my arms and rocked her while she sobbed and begged for help and apologized. I could do nothing but rock her and kiss her head.

I sat there on the panel that day and felt so blessed and so thankful. My daughter was still alive. I could still hug her and tell her I love her and continue to watch her live her life. I felt such pride at how far she had come and how hard she had worked. I thanked God over and over while I sat there and then laughed at the devil because his attempts to destroy her had failed. I had handed her over to God one night while I sobbed on my bedroom floor in desperation and asked him for an answer. I heard Him tell me to hand her over to Him and to trust Him. It was the best decision I ever made because He remained true to His word.

I hope that those professionals can somehow change the way things are done when it comes to getting help for children with mental health issues. Not one of us on that panel had gotten the help we needed for our children without jumping through hoop after hoop, while spinning on our heads, juggling three cows and singing the national anthem backwards. Yes. It is that difficult. For anyone experiencing mental health issues, it shouldn't be such a chore to get help. But especially for children and teens who are in their formative years.

One of the women on the panel has a 5 year old who is having the problems. 5 years old. Imagine that poor child and what she goes through on a daily basis.  The mom expressed her hurt and shame over how often she was judged and told she's a bad mom and that it's her fault that her daughter has problems. How often I've heard those lines! Uneducated and judgmental people - that's all they are. We aren't failures as moms because of the problems our children have. In fact, according to the professionals and each mom on that panel - we are Heroes. Yes, Heroes. Because we fought and continue to fight and are advocates for our children in order for them to regain their health. This women has two other children - one of them is the 5 year old's twin. So if she's such a horrible parent and it's her fault - why don't her other children have these issues? My son has had no issues, either. Can any of you uneducated doofs give an answer for that? It's no different than your child getting cancer. You can't control when and if you get cancer just as you can't control when and if you (or your child) will suffer from a mental illness.

In my Literature class right now we're studying poetry.  One poem that struck me and I fell in love with is by Emily Dickinson and it's full of passion.

Wild Nights - Wild Nights!

Were I with thee

Wild Nights should be

Our luxury!

Futile - the Winds-

To a Heart in port-

Done with the Compass-

Done with the Chart!

Rowing in Eden-

Ah, the Sea!

Might I but moor - Tonight-

In Thee!

                              ~ Emily Dickinson

I love poetry.... 

Today, I crossed 5 things off my list of Goals for 2011 that I completed. It felt amazing! I am such an oddball when it comes to making lists. I make lists furiously for everything. 

1. I will forget. 
2. I love the satisfaction of crossing something off.


My favorite one to make, though, is my goals for the upcoming year. They involve everything from projects I want to complete, things I want to try and do, personal, and spiritual goals.

By the end of February, I will be able to scribble off 6 more things.

This is My Year. So many good & profitable changes happening.

My Phoenix has returned to its nest and, once again, has gone up in flames only to be reborn into a new, beautiful creature.

Written for my beautiful daughter: 

My blue-eyed little Angel Girl

Once draped in black disguise

Carving Scars; your skin, your heart

Marilyn. Clamorous. Manson. Silent.

L-I-E-S.

Hollow soul. Embraced it

Fierce as a Mama Bear.

Believing – Come what may

Within the depths of you

A woman

Strong. And Free.

Today I heard your voice. Confident.

And proud.

You had glimpsed that woman

With your own eyes –

Not mine.

She was adorned in Fireworks!

Scars sparkled from a fire set free.

My blue-eyed little Angel Girl

You

Have

Sprouted

Wings!

I have three sisters. Jennifer died before she reached a year old when I was 5. Jill was born when I was 7. And April was adopted by our dad when he married her mom when I was 16.

Today is my sister Jill’s birthday.

Our relationship through the years has been through many ups and downs; many fights, tears and laughter….much love accompanied and spotted with hate, jealousy and misunderstandings. I could write and write and write….and write some more about our relationship. In fact, I could probably pen a book or two. But besides opening a huge vat of worms, it wouldn’t profit anyone.

We haven’t spoken for quite some time now. I’ve lost track how long. It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. The pain of the lost connection with her is gone and no longer jabs at me. That’s a sad thing to be able to say because it should never be like that. But. It is what it is.

There are days that I miss her. I’ll remember something we laughed hysterically about and giggle to myself. I miss her laugh. It’s very contagious. Guess I never told her that. There’s probably a lot I never said that I should have. Then again, nothing I ever said to her got through anyway since she always believed I was lying and chose to instead tell me what I thought and felt about her. She was always wrong in her assumptions but you could never (and probably still can’t) tell her that. She is much like our dad in believing that she is right much of the time.

There are some things I’d like to leave her with for her birthday. Even though I know if she ever read this, she would disagree with every ounce of it, call me a liar and proceed to make up some story to the contrary. Let her. It doesn’t matter to me what she says because in my heart I know who I am inside, what I feel and what I think. What’s more is that God knows my heart. I have nothing to prove when He already knows the truth.

So, Jill, on your birthday I’d like you to know:

I don’t care that you still have a relationship with dad. In fact, I’m happy that you do. I have never, ever asked, demanded or even required any of my siblings to cut our dad out of their lives. We all had our own Hell to go through and our own decisions to make in regards to rebuilding and repairing a relationship with him. I’ve supported both of our brothers in their endeavors in that area. In no way have I tried to talk them out of it. I never expected anyone to “take sides” during the court sessions or after the sentencing. I stood up for dad several times to his family speaking about forgiveness and family to them. How odd they thought I was. I, the victim of such a heinous crime committed against her by her own father, was telling his family they should forgive him and support him. What I’ve been told fell from your mouth about my reactions towards you and dad are quite different and painted me into some kind of monster and complete bitch.  I know why I don’t talk to dad. And dad knows…even though he says he doesn’t and pretends not to know. He and I have had this conversation several times and the ball is in his court. He knows this and refuses to do anything about it. It’s not anyone else’s business but his and mine.

I LIKE that you’re different from me. I’ve said time and time again that life and families would be so boring if everyone was the same. I love that each of us has our own strengths, quirks, irritating habits and weaknesses. I get so jealous when I watch the movies and there are families getting together for the holidays and they are such a mismatch of weirdness. I always thought that’s how our family would be once we all become adults and had kids.

I don’t understand why you think that I’ve always tried to control you or make you do things my way. You always said that I got mad and would turn on you if you didn’t do things my way. When?! I never turned on you. Get mad? Yes! I would get mad because you would make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. Always jumping from this man to the next, never believing in your own worth as a person or strength as a woman. There is so much I could say here but I won’t. My anger at you was purely because you believed you were weak, not worthy of love or respect, not deserving of anything good or kind in your life. I never turned my back on you. This last time when we stopped speaking, it was you who told me that I was dead to you and to stay out of your life. Not me getting mad because you were fighting with the current man in your life or that I thought you left your kids alone. And for the record, if that man hadn’t filled my head with a bunch of lies about you, I never would’ve called and yelled at you. For all those years I stood by you, bailed you out, supported you and ran to your rescue – you accuse me of constantly shutting you out of my life. Each time we stopped speaking it was You making that decision based on some stupid misunderstanding. Or You trying to tell me what I was actually thinking or doing and when I disagreed, You getting mad and calling me a liar and shutting me out. I don’t get mad at people and “disown” them time and time again as you’ve said for the simple fact that I can’t deal with it. Dad? Yes, I’ve cut off contact with him several times over my lifetime and I would hope that without any details that would be evident to everyone now as to why. Mom? Yes, I believed lies told to me as did our brother but we got to the bottom of it and figured it out. My siblings? No. Friends? Who? Kelly is the only one I turned my back on and then gave her one more chance and she blew it. Again, nobody’s business but it wasn’t because I couldn’t “deal with things like an adult.”

Oh, and one last thing – contrary to what you think, I don’t talk about you AT ALL. I have no reason to. I’m healed from that situation just as I’m healing from the situation with dad. You can continue to say nasty things about me, lie about me and try to turn people against me. I could care less. It’s obvious you still have deep-seated pain and anger about everything from the things I’m hearing. I’m so sorry you have to live like that. I could go on but I won’t. Perhaps it will turn into another blog. Perhaps not.

Jill, my birthday wish for you is that you find a way to forgive yourself and find peace in your life. That you can flush out all the anger and negativity that have their claws latched into you and that you can be truly happy, strong and loved. 

Happy Birthday, Sister. I still love you - always and forever. Even though it doesn't matter.

                                           Goodbye to 2010.

I was laying in bed the other night when I realized that I hadn’t made my usual list of goals for the upcoming year. Of course, I’ve been pondering it during stolen moments here and there but haven’t actually put pen to paper.

I thought back to last year when my goal for 2010  was to Simplify. I succeeded in all areas of my life. I learned new things, worked on my healing journey, fell back in love with & grew in my relationship with God and became a new person who has an entirely different outlook on life. 

                        So what is My Word for 2011?   

                                      There’s three: Eat. Pray. Love.

Each goal I have for the upcoming year fits neatly into one of those three categories. And what do I have planned? Muahahaha! New, great and exciting things! So many changes will happen this year....I can’t wait! I am so looking forward to 2011. I can taste the promise of something wonderful brewing for me and my family. 

Elizabeth Gilbert said, “There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”

                                                HELLO, 2011!!

Well...

So much for my list of "want-to-do's" during my 2 week break from school. I think my computer is feeling neglected from lack of use and attention. Oh, well. I'm glad we're busy at work ~ that means more $$! And when I'm not working, I'm keeping my promise to my kids that this time is theirs and we're playing games, watching movies and having Wii marathons. Family tree will have to wait, the blogs in  my head will have to wait and my FB friends ~ yep, feeling neglected, too! No apologies. I have my priorities. :)

This past Monday morning I saw a glimpse of God's hand in my life. I was on my way to St. Cloud to  work at the hospital. A few miles before my exit, I noticed that the truck was sounding funny and when I had to slow down for a car in front of me - it started to speed up again....without my foot even touching the accelerator!
Needless to say, I got a little excited. I kept playing with the gas and brake pedals hoping that the throttle would become unstuck and began praying for help. As I neared my exit, I started to apply the brakes and by the time I was near the end of the exit ramp, I was literally standing on the brake pedal with both feet. The truck wouldn't stop and kept going at about 20-25 mph.
Of course, at the bottom of my ramp was a stoplight - and it was Red and we were at the height of morning traffic. A row of cars to my left, a semi in front of me and a semi in the right turn lane. All stopped.
Fear bubbled to the surface and began overflowing as I started calling on the  name of Jesus and asking, "What should I do?! What should I do?!"
Just as I was coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to crash into the back of the semi in front of me, the semi in the turn lane made his turn. I swerved over and got behind him, turning through a red light while the opposing traffic was turning into the same lane.
The semi in front of me came to a dead halt as he waited to make a left turn into the truck stop. A quick look told me I had no choice but to chance it and go between him and the snowbank. So, with wheels part way up the snowbank - I rambled right on by, dodging cars and trucks coming and going in and out of McDonald's and the truck stop.
By this time, I was near hysterics. So many thoughts going through my mind, trying to find a solution and praying for a miracle. I glimpsed a huge hotel parking lot over to my right and decided that it was my goal. But right after passing the semi, there was a stop sign. Another semi was turning towards me and a city bus was stopped in front of me.
Quick thinking - 1. crash into the semi  2. crash into the bus or 3. squeeze between the bus and the stop sign and take the right to the hotel.
I chose option #3 and whipped my truck around the bus.....only to see, there in the dark, a person STANDING in the space I needed to go! I only had one option left. I jerked the wheel to the right and slammed into the snow bank.
I tried shutting the truck off and starting it back up thinking that somehow it would now be unstuck. Nope.
I turned the truck off, called my Love and just started bawling. I was shaking, thankful, alive and in one piece. While I waited for my Knight to come and rescue me, an Angel in a big, black truck knocked on my window.
I must have looked like a blubbering fool. "I'll just go ahead and pull you out."
He thought I had wiped out because of the glare ice on the road. I giggled through my sobs, which I'm sure sounded anything but ladylike, and explained what had happened. So he pulled me out and parked my behind at McDonald's to wait.

The entire ordeal lasted less than 2 minutes and as I sat at Mickey D's and waited, I couldn't stop marveling at how I wasn't hurt, the truck had not a scratch on it and I had managed to not hurt anyone else.  All I could do was sit there and thank God over and over.

The kicker? Ford KNOWS about this malfunction but since "not that many people have been affected by it" they haven't placed a recall on it. WHAT?! Excuse me ~ it shouldn't matter if it's only been 5 vehicles or 1,000....it's a safety issue. I guess that's an entire issue unto itself. So much for Made in America.

My God is an awesome God! There's just no other way to say it.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.~Psalm 91:11-15

Yesterday I awoke to a mini snowstorm. Our first of the season. It was absolutely beautiful. It always amazes me when I go to bed knowing there's grass and leaves on the ground only to wake up and find my world completely changed and beautified. I stood at my window yesterday watching the kids play outside and Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 came to my mind.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

I thought of the many changes taking place in my life and our home. I thought of my children and how their seasons are on opposite planes from each other. When one is starting new season, the other is beginning a dying season.
Our oldest is leaving for Chicago at the end of the month to study Graphic Design. This is a bittersweet pill to swallow. I'm happy that she's following her dream and going on an adventure to start a life of her own. And I'm so proud of where she is now and how far she has come. She has finally beaten her depression and claimed control of her life back. But I am struggling with the end of this chapter. I'm going to miss her so much that I can already feel that empty ache inside beginning to grow. Go, Michaela! Grab onto life and enjoy your new season!

There are other changes that can't be talked about here that affect our entire family and extended family. Changes that are exciting and scary, sickening and pride building all at the same time. My son is having a hard time adjusting to some of these changes. He's been worrying and having problems sleeping. His happy-go-lucky attitude is overshadowed now by a quietness and irritability. It's affecting his school work and he's been making poor decisions. It's frightening because I don't recognize this boy. He is in a season of crying, searching and tearing down. He is scared and it shows. My struggle is that I won't know how to mother my son through his hard season. When he was little, I could wrap him up in my lap and sing and kiss his fears away. Now that he is older, he is all too aware of what the future could bring. He doesn't want Mom to kiss the hurt. He wants answers that I don't have. He wants reassurance that it will be alright even though he knows it might not be. I've let him know that this future scares me, too, and we need to talk about it to help each other cope.  
I have learned that there are times when we need to hold on tight as if our life depended on it; because sometimes it does. But there are other times when we need to open our hands and let it go. Throw it into His lap and leave it there~ because our life or somebody else's depends on it. I pray that I can teach my son that this is one of those times that we need to open our hearts and cast our cares into His lap because we can't control everything. And the burden of worrying about things he can't control is much too great for a young boy to be lugging around on his shoulders.