I just ran across this blog I wrote back on that day. Sometimes I still have trouble listening to my own mind and body. This is the reason my head is so jumbled and crazy lately. More Junk has surfaced and I haven't taken the time to deal with it or even acknowledge it. I cried as I reread this. It felt as if I was in that court room again. Feeling the dread and sick stomach. Feeling the anger and sadness. Feeling the strength and power of my own words.

Well, today was the long awaited & dreaded day. It was scheduled for 10am but we didn't get in til 12:20. So, I had all that time to pace and sweat. I had practiced in my support group last night, so I was feeling ok about it. The prosecuting attorney asked me if I'd like to sit by him or on the witness stand. I told him I want to sit where I can't see my dad because I knew it would mess me up. I also was able to sit up there before my dad was brought in so I wouldn't have to see him until it was over. The judge told me to take my time and say what I needed to say. I broke down before I even spoke one word. But I made it thru the entire statement. I was so proud of myself. The judge recessed for 5 minutes so the court could "get their emotions in check and recompose themselves". The clerk, court reporter and the bailiff all had teary eyes. The attorney sitting next to me even sniffled and it took him a few minutes to find his voice when he spoke. My dad stood and told me how very sorry he was and if he could turn back time, he would change it and he was taking full responsibility for what he had done and he loves me. I didn't really hear much after that. The attorney had a file folder that had "CONTACT VICTIM" on it. It was a triumphant moment for me when he grabbed that file, scribbled out "victim" and wrote "SURVIVOR" in its place. I felt as though I had crossed a bridge and started a new chapter in my life....the path to healing. Real & lasting healing. And it felt SO good. Below is a copy of my victim impact statement:



This statement was very difficult for me to write. I will never be able to convey in a few short minutes the impact this crime has had on my life. If you’ve never lived in my shoes, you can never fully understand. I have to do what’s best for me and that is to use my voice and speak my mind.

I forgave my dad a few years ago for what he did to me. At that time, I thought I had dealt with the abuse and put it out of my life. Since September when I was first interviewed by the police, I have come to realize that I was wrong. All I was doing was avoiding it. I’ve learned that it will take the rest of my life to deal with it, relearn my ways of thinking and come to a place in my life where I feel that it doesn’t control me anymore.

This whole ordeal has caused me a lot of humiliation, embarrassment, pain and anger. When I was a child, I was forced to keep it a secret. I was threatened by my dad that I wouldn’t be believed, that I was at fault, and that I would never see my brother and sister again. I dealt with it the best way a child knows how. Now I have spoken and the secret is out. I have to deal with it all again but this time publicly. I am looked at with different eyes by people who feel sorry for me and are horrified by my story. There are those who treat me differently or avoid me all together as if I have leprosy. As if I am the one who is guilty. I am now defined by the abuse that was done to me.

As a child growing up, I felt like a freak. I felt very alone in the world because I had an awful secret I had to keep hidden. I felt so ugly and worthless, never believing I deserved anything good, I grew up constantly watching my back, never letting my guard down. I was terrified of men because I thought they only wanted to abuse me. I took on the responsibility of protecting my brother and sister to make sure nobody touched them. I never had any close friends because I didn’t trust anybody. I grew up believing that somehow I deserved the abuse because I had been bad and God was punishing me. I cried and prayed every night asking God to forgive me for whatever I had done and to please make me a good girl so I could stop being hurt. The abuse formed and molded who I’ve become. I still carry all of those feelings around today.

I’ve begun therapy and also a women’s support group for survivors of sexual violence. My doctor has put me on anxiety medication and sleeping pills.

I have flashbacks and memories that are so paralyzing at times that I shake and cry and can’t function the rest of the day. I’ll end up spending hours and often days in bed because I can’t face life. I have intense panic and anxiety to the point that it’s difficult to run to the store or even order a pizza over the phone. I’m constantly on high alert, looking over my shoulder, feeling as though I’m being watched. I have no energy and no tolerance for anything. There are often times that I go for days without any sleep because when I do sleep, I have nightmares where I awake screaming and panicked. My world no longer feels safe for me on any level.

It has affected my work life, my relationship of 8 years and most importantly, my role as a mom. Small tasks such as helping with homework or playing a game with my children are so overwhelming for me. Even though I try to hide my pain from them, my children have told me they see it and they hear me cry at night. They’ve told me they’re afraid for me and they miss me and wish this would all go away so they can have their mom back. I am so angry that my babies that I’ve protected from birth have now become victims of his actions. My children should never have had to deal with any of this. Their world has been turned upside down.

What I need my dad to understand is that his pain, humiliation and confinement have been NOTHING compared to what he did to me. He destroyed an innocent child. He stole my childhood and my teenage years and basically, my entire life. The abuse started when I was 10. I turned 38 last weekend. I have dealt with this almost my whole life while he has gone on to live his as if nothing ever happened. He used me and then left me alone to pick up the pieces. What he needs to know is that I will have to deal with the abuse in some aspect of my life everyday until I die. It will never go away for me. There is no where I can turn where it’s not looking me in the face.

I have been asked by several people what I want the outcome of this situation to be. I can honestly say that I have already gotten what I wanted. My dad spoke the word “Guilty” when asked how he wanted to plead to this crime. This isn’t about revenge or even justice. It’s about my dad taking responsibility for his actions, for telling the world and my family what he has done.

I don’t want my dad to go to prison but I also don’t think he deserves to get off with just pleading guilty. My dad needs help and he needs to know he doesn’t have the right to hurt any more little girls. He needs to understand the full extent of the damage he’s caused not only to me but to our entire family.

Throughout this ordeal, I have been called a “victim”. A victim is one that has been used, injured, destroyed or tricked. I have lived this role since I was ten years old. The abuse has controlled every aspect of my life, determining how I react to people and situations, how I view the world and myself, how I live and breathe.

I will no longer fill those shoes. I will no longer be silent about the abuse. I will no longer hide from it. I am angry and I’m going to stand up, strong and tall, and talk about it every chance I get with the hope that I can help prevent other children from being hurt and destroyed by such heinous acts. It was my dad’s God-given responsibility to protect and love me as a child. He chose not to. I will no longer be silent and protect him. This is my God-given right. From this day forward~ I’m a Survivor.

This is what it looks like inside my head the past few days. UGH! Will I get to those 20-some unfinished blogs today? Hmmmm....perhaps. Maybe some yoga will help set things straight.

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine!

Mary J. Blige ~Gotta love her!

It's coming up on 10 years together. I can't believe it. Sometimes it feels like it's only been a week. Other times it feels as if we've always been together. I do know that I can't imagine living my life with any other man. Ever.

As a girl, I dreamt of the man I wanted to be with. I wanted what they sang about in songs. I wanted what I saw in the movies. Deep, passionate, soul-shaking LOVE.

New Year's Eve ~ 1999....I met him. And I instantly knew when I shook his hand and our eyes met, that he was The One I would grow old with. The moment our hands touched, it felt as if we'd always known each other. The first time he held me in his arms ~ I was Home. Safe. Loved. Smitten.

We started off with a BANG and haven't stopped going since. He is the man I dreamt of as a girl lying in my bed at night envisioning my future.

He is my Safe Haven. My heart and soul trust in him and are safe with him. He knows my ugliest, darkest secrets and loves me still. He has seen me at my very worst. At my lowest point when I even scared myself. And he held me up and loved me still. He has walked beside me and carried me through the most heartbreaking walk of my life. And loved me still. He sees my absolutely goofy, little-girl side and adores me. My down-to-business, don't-mess-with-me side and loves me still. I am able to be absolutely open and vulnerable with him down to my core and am not afraid to be laughed at or rejected.

I LOVE him with every fiber and cell of my body. A few nights ago we were laying next to each other, looking at each other and discussing our day and our Future. And all I could think of was, "I never want this moment to end. I don't want to go to sleep." My heart is anchored with his. This man is my world and my Forever Love.

I have found that Deep, Passionate, Soul-Shaking Love with this man. We will never let it go. As I tried to go to sleep that night, this song kept playing over and over in my head. And it says it all.

I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes ~ Aerosmith

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away and dreaming,
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever,
When every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,

(Chorus)
I don't wanna close my eyes,
I don't wanna fall asleep,
Cause I'd miss you babe,
And I don't wanna miss a thing,
Cause even when I dream of you,
The sweetest dream would never do,
I'd still miss you babe,
And I don't wanna miss a thing.

Lying close to you,
feeling your heart beating,
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you're seeing,
And then I kiss your eyes,
And thank God we're together,
I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever,
Forever and ever.

(Chorus)

And I don't wanna miss one smile,
I don't wanna miss one kiss,
I just wanna be with you,
Right here with you, just like this,
Well I just wanna hold you close,
And feel your heart so close to mine,
And just stay here in this moment,
For all the rest of time

2010. I join the ranks of people making lists for the New Year. Though I don't call mine resolutions. I call them Goals. My lists are always long and hopeful. Last year, I was able to check all but a couple items off of my list. This year, I've already got 2 things checked off with a 3rd task coming to a close quickly.

My #1 Goal for 2010? SIMPLIFY. SIMPLIFY. SIMPLIFY.

I hate messes. I can't stand clutter. I don't like having Things. I'm seriously not materialistic at all. My kids, on the other hand, take after their dad on this one. Especially my daughter. She has THINGS. Everywhere. All over. Stuffed here. Hidden there. It drives me batty. She's not even aware of everything she has. I don't get it. At all.

She turns 18 in 4 1/2 months. She's got The Itch and she's got it bad. She's looking forward to stepping through the magical portal into adulthood. Freedom to do what she wants! Space to run in the open wild! Making her own path in life.

With a lot of thought and wrestling within my heart, I decided to let her leave and move to her dad's for the remainder of her Ball & Chain Days. We decided it would be a nice transition before she left for college and was totally on her "own." She left a day earlier than planned which ripped at my heart. I cried. She cried. We held each other and cried.

Both of us felt the shift in our relationship at that moment. It hurt. It felt good. It was full of promise. It was too soon. It was right on time.

I grieved for a week. Seriously grieved. My heart ached and I crawled in my bed during my free moments and nursed my wounds. There comes a time when enough is enough and you need to pull yourself up and get back to life. So I did what I usually do in these situations. I threw myself head first into the 2010 Goals list.

I tackled all the bedrooms (including closets and drawers), the hall closet, games, both safes and both bathrooms. I made a pile for the VA to come and get. I seriously don't know how I will get this stuff out to the curb. I have a pile the same size to throw out.

Last night, I went through all the email accounts and cleaned them out, updated the master password list, and deleted subscriptions & accounts we don't use. I also deleted all my other blogs except for 2. This morning, I had a shredding party which will continue into this afternoon as I go through both filing cabinets.

SIMPLIFY. SIMPLIFY. SIMPLIFY.

It's a mantra I repeat in my head as I'm cleaning, deleting, organizing. It feels so good! It feels so freeing! What a great way to start the New Year.

Bittersweet transitions, New Beginnings, and letting go of Things that no longer deserve to take up space in my home or life.

My children asked me last week what I wanted for Christmas. My immediate response was that I wanted them to grow up healthy, happy, and successful in their lives. That's my honest heart's desire.

They didn't like that answer. They wanted to know what material things I wanted. I tried to think of something that I really wanted. Nothing came to my mind. I'm not a materialistic person anyway but I'm content with what I have, also.

It made me think of gifts I've received throughout my life. And I realized that what I had told my daughter was true.

THE BEST GIFTS IN LIFE ARE THOSE THAT CAN'T BE BOUGHT.

My thoughts brought me back to my childhood and to Grandma. Let me tell you about her......

Grandma was the most beautiful woman who has ever walked this earth. Her eyes danced when she laughed. Her laugh! It sounded like wind chimes tinkling in the breeze. The most wonderful sound I've ever heard. Her smile made the worst days more bearable.

I spent countless hours and days by her side while I was growing up. Watching her every move. Mimicking her mannerisms. Learning how to be a homemaker. Learning to cook and clean. Listening to her words of wisdom. Tucking every moment away deep within my heart.

When I reached my preteens, my parents divorced. It was then that she became my refuge. My dad had custody of us and threw his responsibilities onto me. I was the constant caregiver to my younger two siblings while he either worked or went 'out for coffee' with his buddies or on dates. I cleaned the house, cooked their meals, did laundry and had to take them on babysitting jobs. I wasn't allowed any time alone to spend with friends or be a normal child.

My dad and I would fight often for this and other reasons. I'd get so angry that I'd hop onto my red 10-speed bike and ride out to the country to Grandma's. I was always welcome at her home with no questions asked. My heart found peace and safety with her. She would say, "fighting with your dad again?" I'd nod my head, close to tears. "When you're ready to talk, I'm right here." And she always was. I'd lay my head down on her lap and just listen to her talk about her day and family gossip. Her voice, her smell, her touch....all meant safety to me. No one and nothing could hurt me when I was with her. She wouldn't allow it.

When I finally was ready to talk about the incident, she would listen. That's it. Just listen until I was done telling my story. Then she would offer advice or correct me if I had been at fault. A lot of the time, she would get angry. Not at me, but FOR me. She would say, "You have the world on your shoulders at such a young age. Responsibilities you shouldn't have. Life has dealt you a hard hand." I remember many times when she would call my dad and yell at him because of all the things I was required to do. "You need to take care of your responsibilities! Those are your children, not hers. She should be allowed to be a child!" She was my advocate.

She taught me the value of hard work and not wasting the day away. Many hours were spent in her kitchen while she taught an awkward teenage girl how to bake cinnamon rolls from scratch or make potato dumplings with sauerkraut. She taught me the value of having a clean house and exactly how to do it. To this day, I love the smell of Pinesol and think of her every time I use it. She instilled in me that as a wife and mother, it is a duty and an honor to make a home for your family. She taught me that no matter how ugly, old or battered your things or home are, that you should take care of them as if they were new. That you should take pride in what you have even if you have little.

I remember working in her garden with her when she was healthy enough still to do it. The food we harvested from it was the best tasting food ever. We canned and froze it. Later on in the winter, she would put some corn on the table for lunch. After I had taken a bite, she would say, "Remember that corn? That's the corn we grew. Tastes wonderful, doesn't it?"

I could write pages and pages about my Grandma. She was my cornerstone. My refuge. My mentor. She shaped me. When she died 5 years ago, it left the biggest hole in my heart and life.

Even though she is gone, she gave me the Greatest Gift I've ever received. The gift of herself.

She loved me unconditionally. Believed in me. Cheered me on. Corrected me. Held me up. Just held me. Gave of her time. Placed her wisdom and love and bits of herself deep inside my heart and life. She was my advocate. My refuge. My friend. My critic. My teacher.

There are days that I still cry because I miss her. But I know she is right here with me still. She's reflecting in the freshly hand washed kitchen floor. She's beside me holding my hand when I repeat one of her Pearls of Wisdom to my children. She's the sun shining down onto my garden helping my vegetables to grow.

And every time I hear a wind chime, I hear her laughter dancing on the breeze.

there’s this thought that keeps running through my mind. i guess to make it stop, i need to write about it. i’ve never been a fighter. i hate confrontation. the reality is that i’ve never had a major problem with any of my friends or even a stranger my entire life.

there was the friend that decided to tell strangers and friends all the private details of my divorce that i had confided to her. when i confronted her with it, i told her she had breached my trust and i could no longer consider her my friend. we had known each other since we had been in diapers. she then decided to “jab” back and lie to me that her husband had died so that i’d feel sorry for her and take her back. it didn’t’ work. almost ten years went by before i decided to open that door again. but i did it only half-heartedly. i didn’t confide in her. i didn’t let her into my life too far. once again, she lied and betrayed my trust when she went behind my back and sent a message to my sister about an issue that wasn’t her business. and then lied to my face about it and blamed it on my sister. that was the end of that friendship. again. this time forever.

or the friend that decided that her problem of what color bridesmaid dresses she should have and how she was going to spy on her fiancé at his bachelor party were so more important than listening to what i was going through at the time. that even though i was training for a new job, working at my parents’ house, helping my mom who had just had a hysterectomy, going to karate and gymnastics and not getting home to even eat supper until after 8:30pm....that was NO excuse for not returning (literally) 64 calls she had made to my house within a 12 hour period. And for that reason alone ~ i was deemed a crappy friend. never mind that i was the only one that had been there during her divorce, her foreclosure, her bankruptcy and every other major and minor issue in her life those past 2 years. she would call or show up at my house at all hours of the day and night and i would drop everything to listen and help. suddenly, i’m unavailable and deemed unworthy of her friendship.

i never had an issue with any of my high school friends or anyone throughout my adult life. i still have kept secrets from elementary school. i’ve never betrayed a confidence or lied to a friend about anything. any one of my friends can tell you the kind of person i am. any one of the people i went to school with, church with or have worked with can tell you. i’m not a fighter, a liar, a drama queen, a trouble maker...whatever kind of names you want to give it.

but those aren’t the kind of problems i’m talking about. there are 2 women in my life that i’m having the same issue with. these women are liars. they are two-faced; pretending to be so sweet, christian-like and honest but, in fact, are the opposite. this fact has been proven over and over again by too many people to count. they have both lied about me and continue to do so. they have blogged about me and tried to get others to believe that i’m really not who i say i am, that i’m fake and a liar. they both have people that they consider great friends who inform me of all the nasty things they say or blog. they have both been sweet and pretended to be my friend at one time, until i trusted them and then stabbed me in the back. and twisted the truth about what happened.

the thought that keeps running through my mind is WHY are these the only two people i’ve EVER had these kinds of problems with? Obviously, i’m not the problem here. if i was who they say i am ~ this would be a continuing theme in my life. there would an unending chain of people who could all say the same things they are saying. but there is no long line. only a lonely line of two.

on the other hand, i can find an abundance of people who have been burned, hurt, lied about, lied to or treated badly by these two. there are still those that don’t know the real wolf under the sheep’s clothing. there are those that still trust. the majority, however, know different. the funny thing is, these two women believe that they are always the victim and that they have done no wrong. they believe every word they say. they believe their own lies.

i am glad that no one is fooled by what they say. i’m glad that there are so many people that know the real me and can testify to my nature. i’m glad that the truth always makes its way out and far outshines the darkness.

and THAT is worth more than just a penny.

1. My name is... Mama Girl

2. I should learn to...Speak Spanish, not procrastinate, not be such a hermit

3. I love... rainy days, Mondays, learning, organizing and cleaning

4. People would say that I am...Real. I hate fake people.

5. I don't understand...a lot of things. Like why there are those couple of people that are so obsessed with me that even though they want me out of their lives, they continue to talk, think, and blog about me and go to great lengths to get into my accounts, read my blogs, etc. and then act as though they aren't when I have proof.

6. When I wake up in the morning...I'm thankful for another day, already making a list in my mind of what I need to do, excited to cook breakfast and eat with my son before he goes to school

7. I lost...my job this fall. It was THE biggest blessing of the year. God has a way of taking out the toxic people and situations and replacing them with what you really deserve and need. I am blessed every day that I wake up now.

8. Life is...an adventure. You can make plans but you never know where your journey will take you or what detours lie ahead.

9. My past taught me...not to trust people, to hide my heart, and always watch my back. The present? So very different.

10. I get annoyed when...people hide behind their religion.People who flaunt their "good works" and devotion to God and yet away from the church family, wear a different face and life that is dishonest and corrupt.

11. Parties...are OK once in a blue moon. I'd rather just hang out.

12. I wish...I could see my nieces and nephew.

13. Dogs and cats...are awesome and worth the extra work.

14. My childhood pet...was a black lab named Lady.

15. Tomorrow is...not promised but if it happens to get here, it's a fresh start.

16. I have a low tolerance for...change that to NO tolerance... for lies.

17. If I had a million dollars...I would build a new house and furnish it, give to my parents and brother, put money in the bank, travel and give to charities.

18. I'm terrified of...my children being kidnapped, hurt or abused by someone.

19. I've come to realize...it doesn't matter what other people think of me. God knows who I am inside and out and He's the only One that matters.

20. I am listening to...George Lopez on TV

21. I talk...when it's necessary.

22. My best friends...are few and far between. I don't trust people so if you're on this list, consider yourself special!

23. My first kiss...is something we both still talk about 34 years later! Too funny.

24. Love...found me almost a decade ago. That deep, vulnerable, passionate forever love I always wanted. I will never let it go.

25. Marriage is...on the horizon.

26. Somewhere, someone is thinking...about how to break their silence.

27. I'll always be...His girl. His Love. His world.

28. The last time I really cried...on Tuesday. I had my first abscess tooth and after the Novocaine wore off, I couldn't take the pain.

29. My cell phone is...my life line.

30. Before I go to bed...I pray, go over my to-do list for the next day, give thanks and play my DS

31. My middle name...Ann

32. Right now, I am thinking...I should probably get on those honeymoon plans and all the other details.

33. Today I...worked on my structure and function paper for Anatomy and Physiology class all day, talked with Flor, had movie and pizza night with the family

34. Tomorrow I will be...working on that same paper, talking to Flor again, hopefully cleaning my bedroom.

35. I really want to...move to Florida to be by my high school BFF.

36. My relationship with my grandparents...is great. I miss them a lot.

37. My most treasured possession is...both of the teddy bears my aunt made. One is made from my Grandma's robe and the other is made from her fur coat.

38. My favorite picture...is me at about 2 years old sitting in my Grandma's lap. Her arms are wrapped tightly around me and she's smiling down at me.

39. I sing...all the time though only in front of my kids. Don't know why that is. I used to sing in church choir and did a few solos.

40. If I was a crayon...I'd be coloring the world pink!

41. Someday I want to travel to...Africa (SOON!), Tahiti, Fiji, Greece

42. I am wearing...sweats and a hoodie

43. My favorite class this semester is...Essentials of Health Information Management

44. My favorite language is...English, Spanish, German, French

45. It hurts...to sit for a long time. I popped a rib out and it threw my back out. It's a slow process back to normal.

46. I'm going to miss...watching the sextuplets grow up on Jon & Kate Plus 8.

47. I need...more hours in my day!

This song says all I cannot say to you right now. You wonder where I've gone and yet you haven't looked for me. You wonder why you haven't heard from me and yet you haven't listened.
From the time I was a little girl until the woman I was yesterday, I always held your hand. I assured you everything would be alright. I chased away your demons. Even when I had every right to hate you and erase you from my life, I tried to make amends with you. I forgave you. I worked to build a life with you.
As a little girl, you held my heart and were my world. But you chose to create demons that would destroy and consume my life. You chose to take that innocent child love and crush it to the ground. Even as I entered womanhood, you continued.

Today, I am a new woman. A Phoenix. Reborn. Strong. Free. Yet still oddly bound.
Healed but still wounded.

I walked your journey with you, though it wasn't mine to walk. I had no obligation to hold your hand through it but did so out of love.
You? You abandoned me and left me to walk through the dark on my journey...alone. A journey you bought the ticket for.

The pain of realizing that...
though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.

Defeated & Torn
darkness all around me - i can't catch my breath
the demons that destroyed your mind are clawing at my neck.
trapped inside this tiny room - hands tied behind my back
i watch in fear and helplessness at my daughter dressed in black.
little girl lost where have you gone - they've stolen your soul as thieves
left you to bleed alone on the floor as your mother watches and grieves.
hell laughs at me and stabs my wounds shrieking, "she'll never come home!"
my hope has died i must admit, i'm weary and believe their drone.
my little girl i cannot save - defeat has locked the door
i tried so hard, i cried, i prayed, now hope lays dead upon the floor.



I wrote this poem a few years ago when my daughter was at her lowest. And so was I.
As I read over it today, those old feelings came back. Defeated. Torn. Hopeless. I remember writing the poem with tears streaming down my face and my stomach clenched in knots of pain. I was absolutely certain at this time that God had turned a deaf ear my way and I was going to lose my daughter to depression.

Today, I sat across from her at our desk and watched as she giggled and talked non-stop about random things. I tried to catch a glimpse of that little girl who had been taken and beaten by a darkness we couldn't penetrate. I didn't see her.

And I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that I will never see her again. I have my daughter back. The little girl that she was before her battle and glimpses of the woman she is becoming. The years I spent teaching her from the Bible, homeschooling her…all worth it. The years she has spent in my lap, in my arms, and at my side watching and learning how to be a wife, mommy, and woman…all worth it. All the time and energy I placed into raising her has become my reward now. And I can only see this investment continuing to grow and give back to me.

It is amazing to me that in this information age and with so many groups and resources available to us, that many people still speak about things using their opinions as fact. Why someone would rather show their stupidity and biases instead of gathering facts is beyond me. This kind of ignorance can't be tolerated anymore.

One of the issues people like to talk about and make judgements about but make no effort to learn about is cutting. My daughter cut for several years. At first, it scared me to death. I had no idea what was wrong or why she was doing it. The sight of those bright red lines on her arms and legs made me nauseous every time I caught a glimpse of them. That wasn't too often because she (like most cutters) hid them under long sleeves and pants. Even in hot weather.

It started about two years after her depression started. At that time, we had no idea she had depression, either, just that something was wrong. She was slowly slipping farther and farther down into a deep, dark pit and didn't know how to reach out for help or even why she hurt so bad inside. One of the boys in her class "burned" a picture with an eraser on her hand and for a minute her internal pain disappeared. She went home that night and gave herself her first cut. She said feeling the pain of the cut and seeing the blood took the pain from inside and placed it on the outside where she could see it and deal with it. It gave her a high like she'd never felt. She became addicted to it. Addicted to the adrenalin rush she got from it. The deeper her depression got, the longer and deeper her cuts became.

All of this was so hard for me to understand until I got an information packet from the doctor. As I read through it, I came to a section on other forms of self-injury. One of these methods was burning. I felt as if I'd been slammed into a brick wall. All these years later and a memory came crashing back into my head. I'd been sexually abused as a child for many years. I remember starting in my junior year of high school (about a year after the abuse stopped) I began burning myself with cigarette lighters. I remember the unbearable, intense pain I felt inside that I just couldn't deal with. When I'd burn my wrists, arms, and legs the pain inside was drowned out. I, too, had an amazing rush of good feelings when I'd burn. I became addicted. My heart would race and I'd feel so high.

Suddenly, I completely understood my daughter when she'd tell my why she cut. And finally I was validated by doctors and psychiatrists that assured me I wasn't to blame for her cutting or depression.

I've posted 2 links below for those of you that are just in the dark and want to know more so that maybe you could be of help to someone. Teenagers aren't the only ones that cut. Adults do it, too. Depression strikes teenagers and adults. You could be the person that holds out a life line to someone in need. You could possibly save a life.

For those of you that make judgments on the parents that have children who cut or have depression ~ these links are especially for you. If you want to remain uneducated, then PLEASE don't talk about issues you refuse to learn about. It makes you look ignorant and you are doing a terrible disservice to the people you come into contact with that are crying out for help and you can't see it because of your self-righteousness.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/cutting-self-harm-signs-treatment?page=4

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen.htm

Blessed. Blessed. Blessed

I am so blessed. It doesn't matter what is going on around me lately. I haven't focused on the negative.

"It doesn't matter. Rise above. Move on."

And don't forget to count those blessings. The biggest one of all right now? That my daughter is healthy again. That help came our way before it was too late. Every time she smiles or I hear her laughing, it fills me with such joy. Her eyes are actually sparkling once more. A year ago, it all felt so hopeless. But I handed her over to God and told Him I could no longer do it on my own. I told Him I trusted whatever He had planned and wanted to do.

That's where the blessing came from. Giving up control and trusting. When she came home in April, I was so scared that things would go back to the way they were. For a brief moment, she struggled. I fell apart. I heard God whisper to me one night, "Remember when you trusted her to me before? Do it again." I cried. I remembered so vividly the night I lay on my floor and sobbed and fought before I handed her over. What was hard to do the first time, was a little easier the second time.

And she came back around and has not fallen back off the path since. She has big dreams and is making plans to study graphic design in Chicago next year. I imagine God will be speaking to me yet again about handing her over to Him. When that times comes, I will have had plenty of practice.

It's no secret that I struggle in my relationship with Him. It stems from my abusive past. I still can't forgive Him or accept the fact that He listened to me scream and cry to Him as a child to help me and did nothing. Until almost 20 years later. Then I'm reminded that His time is not our time. His ways are not our ways. He didn't bring sin into this world.

I'm learning one day at a time to trust Him. It is seriously almost an impossible task for me to give up control to Him and let Him handle things. But on more than one occasion the past few months, He has come through. Instead of getting stressed out and trying to fix situations on my own, I calmly handed them over and said, "I trust You to take care of this for me." Whether it was financial or someone making problems for me, it didn't matter. He took care of it.

I remember the first time this summer when I just wanted to pay off some bills. Instead of budgeting out and stressing out over it like I usually do, I simply showed Him the bills and said, "I trust You to take care of this for me." Within DAYS, an unexpected check for $1500 came in the mail. No lie. I stood at the mailbox with my mouth gaping open and crying. Thanking. Gaining faith back. Hmmmm...I had just one more bill I wanted to take care of. Could He do it again? Repeat the steps and this time a huge check I was expecting not to come until October, came within 2 weeks. Repeat my reactions again.

I could name numerous times He's come through for me the past few months. I've been blown away with how He has heard me and answered. Is He making up for lost time? Proving His love for me? Putting my faith back where it once was?

Well, it's working. Whatever it is I'm facing, I have no problem handing over to Him and letting Him handle it. Trusting. Believing. Waiting for His timing.

"It doesn't matter." He will bring out the truth. He will take care of the situation.
"Rise above." I won't dwell on the problem or the person. I won't stress out or play their games.
"Move on." I'll put it into His hands and leave it there. Where it belongs.

And in the meantime, I won't forget to count my blessings.

Today ~ I turned my back on my homework, left my phone behind, put the grocery shopping on hold, let the house sit in dust....and ran away with my kids.

I had the best day ever. We left early this morning and drove to New Ulm. It's a city full of history for my family. My great-grandpa came over from Germany and settled here many years ago. It's where my grandparents raised my dad and his siblings. It's where we spent countless days every summer camping. It's where my great-grandparents, grandparents and sister are buried, along with numerous other relatives.

The main reason for going was to visit my grandma's grave. The 5-yr anniversary of her death is next Tuesday. I haven't been back there since the day we buried her. It was hard going back but it was even harder leaving. I felt close to her and just wanted to sit all day long at her grave side and be with her. Which is silly, because I know she isn't there. But I'd like to believe that she sat with me today and wiped the tears that fell. I can hear her saying ,"Don't cry for me, Lori. I'm in a better place. No pain. I'll see you when you get here." She always told me growing up that she didn't want me crying for her when she was gone. Just remember the good times and know that she's happy and loves me. It's hard losing someone that is your world and loves you so unconditionally.

We saw Hermann the German and Cam actually went all the way to the top this time! We were so proud of him even though he only stayed up there for about 3 minutes and then promptly told us he would be "all the way at the bottom" waiting for us. I've been to Hermann so many times since I was little I can't even count. It is so amazing to be able to share these places with my own children and talk about my memories with them. I remember my dad taking us throughout New Ulm every summer when we stayed there and sharing all of his stories with us about growing up there. I hope my kids can someday pass this on to their children.

Of course, we couldn't forget to visit the Glockenspiel. The bells strike the hour and the door opens up...and as the bells chime out their tune, the characters that represent New Ulm's heritage move and spin around. This time it brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of my heritage and the great losses and trials my family has had the past few years. Of all the memories that will never be and all the history that can never be rewritten.

We ran all over the city today trying to get everything into one day. We didn't succeed but we had fun trying. We made new memories and we laughed. At one point, we decided to visit this mall in the middle of downtown. I don't know what happened to it but we walked in and up and down the entire mall, except for Herberger's at one end, was totally bare. Like everyone had gone out of business. My son remarked that it was "really creepy" and "too quiet." We high-tailed it out of there and laughed about it all the way down the block.

As we toured old historic buildings, we tried to capture orbs on the camera. We all like the ghost shows and thought we'd try our hand at it. Amazingly, we caught about 4-5 up at the BC Historical Society. One in the Ulm room where there was a bunch of old furniture from Germany and then the rest upstairs mostly around an old wagon like the one on Laura Ingalls.

The best part of my day was just being with my kids. Away from everything. I've been so engrossed in my school work that I haven't had many opportunities to just hang out with them. And though the end of my day landed on a sour note once I checked my emails and voicemails, the amazing memories I made with my family today quickly drowned it all out and put the smile back on my face. It will be hard to erase it for some time!

We had our in-service for work the other day. I was all set for the normal, boring day-long meeting. I have a hard time sitting all day and being fed information and rules. I'm more of a hands on type of learner and get bored easily. That's why I chose online courses for college. It totally cuts out any middle man and I can do it on my own.

So we were given a list of 17 tasks to complete in a certain amount of time. How wise it was to send school buses out around town in a race against each other and the clock, I'm still questioning. But it was a lot of fun. We were placed in groups of 5 and let loose.

As soon as we got to our bus and began going over the tasks, I knew we were in trouble. There was a new guy who hadn't a clue what was going on. Another guy who didn't really care what was going on. Then Lady #1 and Lady #2....who have driven for quite some time. And then....me. I'm usually competitive by nature. I like to do things correctly and efficiently. When I have to run errands around town, I plan out what to do so that no time or miles are wasted. Herein lies the problem.

Both of the women wanted to lead. Both wanted to argue about why it should be done their way and why they knew best. That would then lead to a story "show-down" to see who would win.

When we began our first assignment, I stole the clipboard away from them and began to deligate the jobs. Lady #1 gave up the control to me with no problem and began doing her task. The other one? She stopped cooperating and decided she was going to sweep the bus. SWEEP THE BUS?! It wasn't even on our list or part of the task we were trying to complete. What kind of team player was she? She wasn't. And I knew that from experience.

I just started laughing. I couldn't control myself. So I quietly put my competitive spirit away because it didn't matter to me at that point whether we won or not. I was more interested in seeing how this race was going to pan out on my OWN bus. Would we finish at all? And which one of these women would be left standing, arms raised in victory?

I helped the new guy and explained things we were doing. Tried to get Lady #2 to let him complete some tasks because she kept hogging them and wanted to make sure her name was put by each one. (Not a team player, remember?)

I joked around with the other guy and we talked about what he should get his wife for their anniversary. He and I have talked a lot over the past year. He's old and many of my co-workers don't like him. I've learned to look past that and see who he is on the inside. Just as with Lady #1. I don't think I know a single person at work that likes her or has the patience to deal with her. Not that I always have patience for her but I try and see the person she is inside and am constantly trying to figure out what made her the person she's become today.

I think the purpose of this activity was to help us learn something about each task we had to complete. I wonder just how much each new person learned unless they were actually doing the job. What I got from talking to other co-workers was that they didn't really learn anything. They were just happy to get away from the usual boring meeting.

I certainly didn't learn anything new that would help me to do my job better.

What I did get, though, was a quiet reassurance that I have changed. And it felt AMAZING! What usually would have bothered me during that race, didnt' phase me at all. It didn't matter to me whether we won or lost, whether I was in control or not, if we were doing it right or wrong, or even who was on my team. I'm so thankful I was placed with the people I was with. I laughed. I made a new friend. Saw life through different eyes.

I was given a test and walked away with the Grand Prize. Self-awareness. Contentment. Humor. Reassurance.

Reassurance that whatever this new year brings, whatever trash people try to throw at me, no matter what my enemies do to try and bring me to their level.......I will deal with it. I'll embrace it and hang on for dear life until I see that certain something I can take away from it to make me yet a better person.

You can't mess with my mind anymore

This is it!

I'm smarter, see I've been here before

This is it!

It's a new day, I'm not afraid anymore

Kirk Franklin / Declaration (This is it!)

Traits of a Survivor by Jenna Kandyce Linch

Rises above the ashes of the past

Perseveres through life's storms

Compassionate towards other survivors and victims

Reaches out a hand to help those in need

Insight provides understanding to what others have gone through

Uses past experiences to pave the way for others to speak out

Spreads awareness by shedding light on the truth

Looks for the open doors in life

Determined to rebuild a life that is abuse free

Gives hope to others when sharing own story

Encourages victims and survivors in their journey of healing

Guides those who are lost and alone

Teaches fellow survivors to fly again

Soars to new heights

Believes in goals and dreams

Unites with other warriors to fight for all who are trapped

Courage to take a stand for what is right

Takes a step forward to lead those still wandering

Hears the voices of the unheard

Sees the feelings and emotions of others by looking into their hearts

Works behind the scenes to help others heal

Seizes opportunities to make a difference in life

Chooses to be the change needed in the world

Listens to what people have to say, not fixating on just one part of the story

Builds a bright future from the broken pieces of the past

Writes a new and better sequel to the chapters all ready written

Explores beyond the horizons, discovering the destination waiting

Knows no limits when achieving goals

Fights for the rights of those who haven't been granted justice

Dispels myths about abuse by speaking the truth

Doesn't pass judgment on anyone

Shelters and comforts ones hurting and grieving

Never afraid to show emotions and feelings

Leaves no fellow survivor or victim behind on life's battlefield

Passes on knowledge about dangers and effects of abuse to those who haven't beenabused

Strives to eliminate the stigmas surrounding survivors and victims

Gives without expecting anything in return

Embraces possibilities life offers

Opens the eyes to those blinded by ignorance to what goes on in the lives of abuse victims and survivors

Takes action instead of just talking about achievements hoped to be accomplished

Understands that everyone's situation is different so they heal in their own way

Overcomes obstacles and tears down walls blocking the way

Shows the world what love is about by replacing and removing hate in own life

Views reflection of one who is a survivor and no longer a victim

Breaks the chains of the past in order to move on to a new day and have the life they always wanted to live

Reflects on how much growing has been done through the years, from where they once were to where they are today

Loves and accepts every part of themselves

Lives in the present, making the most of each moment

Has faith in own abilities

Puts together pieces of their life's puzzle to see how beautiful it is and can be

Never quits or backs down during hard times

Envisions what can be, not what could have been

Pushes onward rather then stay stuck in the past

Keeps holding on, knowing the present and future don't have to repeat the history from before

'Traits of a Survivor' Copyright © Jenna Kandyce Linch

Not long ago, I made a vision board. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's best described as putting your goals onto a poster board in the form of pictures and words. It uses the law of attraction to manifest your dreams into reality. I started with a small board about 11 x 14. This week I'm upgrading to a large poster board. I realized I was limiting myself.

This entire past year, and especially this summer, I have been changing and improving things about my life and myself. I have never before felt such positive energy flowing out of me. I've never felt my dreams so close that I could actually feel, smell, and taste them.

I have a vision of who I want to be. I have a dream of where I want to go. My daydreams often involve these goals. I see myself as already being there.

When my healing journey began 2 years ago, I was not in a good place. I was below rock bottom. Lower than low. Pain, turmoil, uncertainty. But I knew where I wanted to be. I knew who I wanted to be. And every day that went by, in the midst of the crying and chaos, I imagined myself at the end of the journey. I pictured myself being strong and certain. Smiling. Laughing. Healed.

EVERY DAY. Even in those days when I felt like just dying instead. I looked ahead and painted a picture in my head. And focused. And hoped.

And here I am today. The outline of the picture I imagined. A little color here. Some shading there. Still not the full picture but ON MY WAY!

I'm usually not one that enjoys change. I resist it like a baby being fed strained peas. But lately, I embrace it. How does the saying go?

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten?"

Who wants that?! I see change as an opportunity to learn new things, to meet new people, to cultivate a better life. Change is necessary for a life lived to the fullest.

A few months ago, I would've told you that I wanted to keep my bus routes. Don't you dare change them! I've had the same kids for almost 5 years. I love them. I know them like I know my own children. They love me and so do their parents. I recently got my new bus routes and they are totally new and different.

AND I'M SO EXCITED!!! Not the normal response from me. I'm going to miss the kids from my old route. No lie about that. I've heard from some of the parents I've told that they're disappointed to lose me. It's a sad day.

On the other hand....what an opportunity! I look forward to meeting the new kids and learning new routes, facing new challenges and having different scenery to look at. I embrace whatever comes with this change because it will enhance my life in some way.

Kirk Franklin is my absolute favorite Chrisitan artist. His music inspires and uplifts me. It strengthens me and changes my outlook. During the hours and hours before I had to face my dad in court and read my victim impact statement, I listened to "Declaration (This is it!)" over and over and over on my iPod. It gave me hope. It gave me strength. It gave me a vision. It is my song.

Today, I was listening to him again and his song "Imagine Me" just hit me right where I'm living.

Imagine me...having a vision. Watching dreams become reality.

Whatever I imagine ~ CAN BE. If I envision it and embrace the change.

"Letting go of my past

And glad I have another chance

And my heart will dance

'Cause I don't have to read that page again"

Imagine me

Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I

I imagine me

In a place of no insecurities

And I'm finally happy cause

I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me

Cause they never did deserve me

Can you imagine me?

Saying no to thoughts that try to control me

Remembering all you told me

Lord, can you imagine me?

Over what my mama said

And healed from what my daddy did

And I wanna live and not read that page again

[Chorus:]Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally

finally I can...Imagine me

I admit it was hard to see

You being in love with someone like me

But finally I can...Imagine me

Being strongAnd not letting people break me down

You won't get that joy this time around

Can you imagine me?

In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid

Because of your love fears gone away

Can you imagine me?

[Bridge:]Letting go of my past

And glad I have another chance

And my heart will dance

'Cause I don't have to read that page again

~Kirk Franklin / Imagine Me / Hero

It's been discussed several times this month. Yet no matter how often it gets talked about, I can't make sense of it. At all.

As soon as we leave an old way of life and start making a new, better life for ourselves there are those who want to derail you. They'll go to any length to bring you back down to the level you've always been at. Why?

Is it because the changes you've made in your life now open their eyes to the areas in their own lives that they should be focused on? They are now fully conscious of the less than desirable "things" in their life along with all the yucky feelings that go along with that new found awareness. It's so much easier to sweep habits and baggage under the rug than to turn and fully face it. So much easier to ignore they exist rather than deal with them.

Some people are just too lazy to take on the project. Many find comfort in something familiar even if it's not good for them.

I remember 12 years ago....

I had become really sick inside. An ulcer, constant aches and pains, nausea, headaches...not to mention being totally unbearable to my family and myself. My body would shake uncontrollably at the mere mention of my dad's name. I was a total mess. I didn't need to go to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. I already knew. The hate, pain, and resentment I had towards my dad for the past 17 years was taking its toll on me. All of these feelings and fears I had lugged around secretly since the age of 10 had finally caught up with me.

We had had a ladies' retreat one weekend and, not surprisingly, the topic that came up most often was forgiveness. I remember at the prayer service on the last night of the retreat, a friend sat next to me and put her arms around me. I don't know how she knew what my struggle was because I hadn't told anyone at that time. It could only have been God speaking to her. But she sat down next to me and told me a story about her life long ago and she had been through the same thing. She told me that the hate and pain had become a stronghold in my life and I needed to somehow find a way to forgive. She said "Don't let his sin become yours."

I went home that night with a new purpose. I refused to live like this any longer. For the next several months, I poured over studies on forgiveness and strongholds. I studied my Bible and my Concordance. I fasted. I prayed. I asked God to place in me a forgiving heart and a love for my dad.

One night as I prayed, I felt a peace. I knew I had reached the place where I could honestly forgive my dad. After I called him and confronted him about the abuse and told him I forgave him, I remember getting into the car with my brother and husband. I told them it felt like an elephant had been sitting on me and had just gotten off. I was giggly and couldn't stop smiling. It was pure joy and peace.

The next day, panic set in. I looked in the mirror and had no idea who was looking back at me. I felt as though I'd been ripped away from myself and a stranger had been left in my place. The me I had been so comfortable with was gone. A new me stood there. Scared to death.

I remember saying to the mirror, "I don't know who I am without the hate. Who are you?!"

It's the same with our friends and family that suddenly realize we're no longer carrying some of our old baggage. It scares them. They don't know who we are anymore. They don't know how to act. By making ourselves better, we've taken away their comfort zone.

I've recognized this with people in the past year and a half along my healing journey. I've dealt with numerous issues and I'm not the same person at all.

I finally have a voice and I stand up for myself. I speak it even it my voice shakes.

I'm not afraid to try new things or open up my mind to new ideas.

I'm more confident in myself and possess self worth.

I still have baggage. After all, I'm still on my healing journey. Can't take a journey without some baggage. But my load is lighter. There are people out there in my life that are threatened by that fact. They are uncomfortable with my changes because it has put a mirror up to their own lives. So they come after me with attacks and lies. Lies about my character, my personal life, accusing me of thinking this way and feeling that way, putting me down for being "this" way because I've always been "that" way and I'm just putting on a show for people....I can't believe the trash that has come up. Even going as far as to attack my role as a mom and blaming all of my daughter's problems on my total lack of parenting skills.

(I'd just like to say to those 2 particular *ahem* "women", that you must have forgotten that I'm raising TWO children. Both have been raised by the SAME mother. My son gets A's, has a ton of friends and interests and talents...and is a very good child. My daughter was the same way. Until depression took control of her. It almost destroyed her life and mine. Why don't you research what depression is, how you get it and how it affects teenagers? Do some research and talk to people that have been there. I've advocated for my daughter and fought, screamed, and jumped through hoops for the last 6 years until someone heard me and helped my daughter. You have NO frickin' CLUE what I've gone through to get her life back. When you have all of that information and think you KNOW what you're talking about ~ call me a loser parent again and this time I hope you see how ignorant it makes you look.)

What people fail to realize about me (and the other women I know dealing with the same thing) is that when I dropped that baggage, I picked up something to take its place. It's called STRENGTH and it protects me from your nasty words and your ugly attacks. I have a new found confidence in who I am and what I'm doing. Nothing you say will bring me back down to where I was. Nothing you say can detour me off this road. I know where I belong and I know, without a doubt, who I am and what my purpose is. I am a Survivor and you can't change that no matter how hard you try.

It's sad when you're on your journey and you start to learn who is real and who isn't. The ones that really love you and want the best for you cheer you on no matter how much you shake up their comfort zone. They want to see you succeed. The others? Well....who needs 'em?

We were given an assignment in writing workshop to write 100 things we like about ourselves. I tried and got stuck on #4. So I decided to try a different list we were given. Maybe since this one is done, the one I'm supposed to do will come more easily?

MY 100 THINGS.....

1.I love being a mom. It's the hardest, most rewarding job I've ever had and I'd do it over and over again.
2.I miss my grandma so much it hurts. She was my mentor and hiding place.
3.I have asthma and I hate it.
4.Towels are to be folded a certain way. In half, in half again, and then 1/3's. If they aren't folded this way, I'll take them out of the cabinet and refold all of them. I just can't deal with them being folded any other way. It just looks neater.
5.I have learned that my inner strength is my greatest asset. It has kept me alive.
6.I love Fridays
7.I often trust the wrong people.
8.Once that trust is broken, they rarely get it back.
9.I'm jealous of my daughter's creativity. I used to have it and let it go somewhere along the way.
10.I love Sean more than I've ever loved anyone.
11. He's the only man I've totally been myself with. He knows more about me than anyone.
12.Except my brother.
13.They are the only 2 people I trust with everything and anything. Even my life.
14.One of my favorite things to do is to waste an entire weekend morning fishing with Sean.
15.Big Brother is the only show I refuse to miss for anything. I won't even answer the phone.
16.I rarely watch TV otherwise.
17.I'd rather read a book
18.I love my son's sense of adventure and fearlessness.
19.I daydream a lot. It's how I deal with life.
20.My favorite daydreams involve traveling.
21.I'm having fun planning our honeymoon because it involves a lot of traveling to faraway places.
22.I'm going to Africa to volunteer with my high school BFF.
23.If I didn't have kids, I'd leave everything behind and move to Florida just to be with her.
24.Except Sean. I'd take him with.
25.I often wonder what my life would've looked liked without the sexual abuse.
26.Sometimes I want to be a child again and this time I'd break the silence right away.
27.I love all my girlfriends. They all have a different role in my life.
28.I like tattoos.
29.Sean got my name tattooed on his arm as a surprise for me. I cried because I knew what it meant.
30.It meant he was serious about growing old with me and loving me forever and ever.
31.My last tattoo was of a Phoenix. It has such a significant meaning to me. It marks the end of one chapter in my life and the beginning of a whole new one. It marks the day my silence was broken. It marks the day I started living again.
32.It took 6 1/2 hours in one sitting.
33.I cried for the last hour and a half.
34. I couldn't take the pain anymore.
35.I leaned into the pain and cried for the transformation taking place not only on my back, but in my heart.
36.Cleaning gives me peace.
37.I love the smell of Pine sol.
38.I love my garden and feel close to my grandma when I'm on my knees weeding and sweating.
39.I'm tearing up as I think about Grandma. She was my world.
40.I swear.
41.A lot. But I'm trying to cut back because my kids hate it.
42.I hate swearing.
43.I cry. A lot. About everything. Commercials, my son making a goal in soccer, my daughter's poetry, someone else's pain…you name it.
44.I laugh a lot. Things are funny to me. Sometimes when they shouldn't be.
45.My dream job is to be a writer living in a beach house.
46.I'd love to have the life of Diane Lane in "Under the Tuscan Sun."
47.Did I mention I love making lists?
48.I wish for peace and tolerance of differences.
49.I really like vegetables.
50.I'd rather have second hand clothes than buy new ones off the rack.
51.Doing yoga relaxes me and empties my worry basket.
52.I feel safe & loved when Sean wraps his arms around me at night.
53.I'm so thankful that depression didn't take my daughter's life and that people were placed in our life to help her out of the darkness.
54.I can't make it without coffee.
55.I like words and word games.
56.Two of my favorite books are my dictionary and thesaurus.
57.I like puzzles and can spend hours zoned in on one.
58.I think scars are beautiful.
59.I feel guilty when I see a deputy even though I know I've done nothing wrong.
60.Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I love to have a house full of people and be surrounded by friends and family.
61.I love when my grandpa calls me "Sweetheart" and "Suzy Q." I feel very loved.
62.I want to run marathons. I just want to run.
63.I love the women in my support group. They have all survived and are strong and I learn from them all the time.
64.I hate confrontations but if you keep threatening and harassing me, I will pull out all stops and you might end up regretting it.
65.I keep records of everything ~ just in case. Emails, texts, IM's…everything in its own folder.
66.I'd be lost without my laptop. It contains my life.
67.I love playing computer games and my DS but I'm mostly addicted to the noises they make.
68.I'm obsessed with pygmy and fainting goats. If I'm feeling down, I watch videos of goats on YouTube and laugh until I cry.
69.I love giraffes.
70.I don't EVER kiss anyone's ass to get ahead or even to make my life easier. I think people that expect others to kiss their ass are extremely selfish, arrogant, and insecure.
71.I will not go barefoot outside. I'll wear socks, slippers, flip flops~ whatever. But I hate getting my feet dirty and hate the feeling of dirt and stuff on them.
72.You won't ever see me without my Chapstick.
73.I'm a borderline germaphobe and always carry hand sanitizer.
74.I love crossing things off my "To-do" list.
75.I have saved the movie tickets to every movie Sean and I have seen together since our first date.
76.I used to burn myself with a lighter as a teenager. I'd forgotten about that until my daughter started cutting. It's amazing what intense pain inside will make you do to yourself on the outside.
77.I'm always cold. I've worn a sweatshirt almost the entire summer.
78.The 2 songs that are my life songs: Kirk Franklin "Declaration (This is it!) ; Evanescence "My Immortal"
79.I'm angry that the abuse will affect me the rest of my life and that I'll be healing until my last breath.
80.I can wear my daughter's shirts and my son's shoes.
81.I love gospel choir music.
82.I was a Sunday school teacher and youth leader for 11 years.
83.I have a problem in my relationship with God right now. I believe He's there but I don't trust. Truthfully, there's a lot I don't believe in right now.
84. I'm addicted to Coca-Cola. I really need to kick the habit but I just can't right now ~ it's one of my coping tools.
85.Sometimes I really miss my dad. But I'm willing to wait until he's done working on his issues and hopefully we can have a healthy relationship someday. I'm anxious to see what God has worked out in this area since His hand was in the rest of it.
86.I worry that it will never happen and he'll die without making the effort to heal the little girl in me. It's so hard to trust God with this part because He didn't help that little girl when she cried to Him during the abuse so will He listen to that little girl now that needs her dad to reach out to her in honesty and validation?
87.I'm really angry right now. ANGRY. I hate these feelings.
88.I never felt safe my entire life until I met Sean

89.I am scared to death of my children dying.
90.I'm scared of dying and leaving my children without a mom.
91.I write "Good-bye" letters to my kids and my brother every time I get on a plane. The outside of the envelope says "Open Only On My Death." but I always end up letting them read them when I return. It's kind of morbid but I can't help it.
92.One of my favorite things to do is to lay in my kids' beds and talk with them. I love hearing what's going on in their hearts and heads.
93.As a child, I loved my brother and sister more than anything. There were a few years that I was solely responsible for them and I worried about them constantly and tried to make life fun for them. It was just the 3 of us against the world.
94.Today, my brother is my best friend and my rock. I love him more than life. I would absolutely be lost without him.
95.Today, my sister isn't in my life. She says I'm dead to her and has unfortunate faulty views of how I see her and how I feel about her. If she could see inside my heart, she'd feel like a fool for all the trash she's talked. But I've let her go because I can't deal with the drama and pain anymore.
96.I have two other siblings who came with my dad's 2nd marriage. I love them so much and I wish they lived closer. I miss them horribly. I just want all of my family together.
97.I love spending time with my mom. Both of them.
98.I absolutely enjoy being alone.
99.I get obsessed with tracing my family tree. It totally consumes me when I'm doing it.
100.I can't believe I came up with 100 things. Maybe I can actually make the list I'm supposed to now.

I can't believe it's August 1st already and that summer's almost over.

I can't believe the writers' workshop is ending in two weeks. It feels like we just started!

I can't believe I got the Dean's Award for Perfect 4.0 GPA.

I can't believe we are deciding my daughter's college plans for next year. Wasn't she curled up in my lap with her Lovie and a sippie cup just last week?

There's so many things I find hard to believe right now. Time is moving way too fast. The thing I find hardest to wrap my understanding around is how far I've come on this journey. If you'd told me two years ago that I'd be standing in this very spot right now ~ I would've laughed at you in disbelief. In fact, my advocate did tell me. The other women in my support group told me. And I did. I laughed at them.......in disbelief.

It felt as though the pain and humiliation I felt at the time would never lessen because it was so great it swallowed me up. I couldn't see even a glimpse of light from the bottom of that pit. My healing journey's been hard and long and painful and it's not done yet. It will continue throughout the rest of my life.

When I look back at where I was and see where I am now ~ I cry.

There is thankfulness in my tears. Thankful that God heard my cries to be healed and though the way He brought it about wasn't what I had in mind, He knew what was best. And He placed people in my life to show me where to start and how to get there.

There is joy in my tears. I've never been happier in my life. I laugh more. I take time to have fun. I live.

The pain is still there and pops up every once in a while but it's not as strong. The nightmares are still there but there are fewer of them. The flashbacks are still there but most of them no longer paralyze me with fear for days on end.

I am able to cope with it, learn from it, put it where it belongs, and keep moving.

The poem I wrote for writing class just came out and when I looked back at it, I realized that each section is about a time in my life and what I did to cope with each one at the time. I hid, I ran, I fought...and now I heal. And though I'm no artist, I had to add the picture of what was in my head as I wrote the poem. The abuse and everything it entailed at the top which created a lifelong bondage for me. The many tears I cried as a child and throughout my life. Down to the chain breaking with my silence being broken and a Phoenix rising from the ashes of the old life. Wings spread wide and full of color, happiness, newness and freedom.

It doesn't matter.

Does it? I always thought it did but I'm beginning to think otherwise.

My bonus daughter says this phrase a lot. Mostly to make herself feel better about an otherwise irritating situation. The kids are in the habit of calling "shotgun" when we get in the car. It's an easier way for them to "take turns" than to keep track of who sat where last. When she forgets to call it, even though you can see she's mad about it, she says, "It doesn't matter." And then she lets it go.

I usually get so angry when someone lies about me. I worry about what people think about me, especially if their perspective about me is off. I fight for the truth to be known and will argue and push until the other person sees it.

But hearing my bonus daughter vocalize that phrase repeatedly over the past month has changed my view on things.

I love honesty. I love truth. I love simplicity and peace.

I found out this past weekend, (a lot I already knew), that another person has been bad-mouthing me and telling lies about me and my mom. She has emailed and called other family members repeatedly spewing trash from her mouth. My family welcomed me with open arms despite her attempts to destroy those relationships. Each one of my aunts and uncles told me not to worry about it. They are tired of hearing from her. Tired of her lies and complaining. Angry by the fact that a person would do that to another family member.

"It doesn't matter."

My uncle told me that one reason nobody believes her or even wants to listen to her is because they know who I am and who she is. It is my character that speaks for me. And hers for her. It has never been me that has bad mouthed her or gone to other family members and spoken ugly things about her. Yet since we were young, it has been her that has stirred up drama, talked bad about each of her family members, and told lie after lie. And in light of the events of the past 2 years, they are disgusted that she would stoop to the level she has.

"It doesn't matter."

I have held my tongue through the worst because it doesn't matter.

I have turned the other cheek time and again because it doesn't matter.

There is only ONE that matters. God. We should be concerned about what He thinks about us. We should care how He sees us.

NOBODY ELSE MATTERS.

I have learned that when I let things go and don't try and "fix" it on my own ~ the truth comes out. It may take a month. It may take a year. It may take a decade.
But it does come out.

Does it really matter what lies are told about me? Does it really matter what people believe about me? Does it really matter how someone else sees me?

Honestly? NO. If I just keep living my life and letting the unnecessary things go ~ The TRUTH will come out.

It's been proven over and over in my life. And it's taken me this long to realize it.

Backing down to confrontation doesn't mean you are giving up.

Not fighting back doesn't mean that you know the other person is right and that you're wrong.

Being assertive isn't about fighting back and responding.

Sometimes standing up for yourself and standing up for the truth means that you have to close your mouth and turn and walk away.

The rest will take care of itself. It doesn't matter ~ let it go.