So many things happening right now! Today I'm spending some time finalizing things for the Rise of the Phoenix Healing Support Group - agenda, rules, goals, etc. Hopefully I'll be able to finish planning our first lesson/ discussion this weekend, also. We start in just a hair over two weeks!! After dreaming of this for 6 years - I can't believe how incredibly FAST it has all come together. 

This morning I manned (womaned) the booth for the Sexual Assault Center at the Buffalo Wellness Expo. Truthfully, I was kind of dreading it even though I had volunteered myself.

• I'm not an outgoing person. Huge introvert here!
• I hate small talk with people I don't know.
• I was going alone.

And the biggest reason..... people avoid anything relating to sexual assault or abuse like the plague. It's like having a booth where you give away free STD's - no one is going to visit it. I had just set up the booth when one of the administrators for the Expo came over and explained that our booth was one of the places visitors had to stop to receive a stamp in order to be entered in the drawing for the iPad mini.

 I giggled a little. Ha! You will all HAVE to acknowledge this issue today! 

Then she gave me my stamp. It was a Giraffe! My favorite animal - next to the goat. It was like a sign. A sign that I was in the exact spot where I was supposed to be today. For four hours I watched people as they started down the aisle where I was located. Some of them would make eye contact with me.....and then see the sign on the tablecloth. They looked as if they had just witnessed their parents having sex and quickly moved on only to realize I held one of the keys they needed to unlock the golden egg. They would return, almost shamefully, and ask in their most polite voice for a stamp. I would oblige, of course, with a huge smile. Ha! Gotcha! 

I actually had two people - 1 male and 1 female- make jokes. 

"Hey! I haven't been sexually assaulted in years. Where do I sign up?!" 

"I was told at one of the other booths that I can get sexually assaulted for free at your booth." 

I felt like punching them both in the throat but I managed to refrain. If they had ever been a victim of sexual violence or had a loved one who had been - rape jokes would not be funny to them. But this is how our society is. Rape jokes are 'funny'. Sexual assault is the victim's fault. Sexual abuse should not be talked about because it is shameful. Hello, People! Educate yourselves. 

This subject needs discussed because the silence and jokes only hide the issue and destroy lives. 

Others, surprisingly, were not in avoidance mode and walked straight up to the booth to grab fliers, ask about our services and support groups. I became choked up on more than one occasion when person after person came up to me and thanked me for what I was doing. 

"My daughter is a Survivor." 

"I work with several kids who use these services."

"I am a Survivor. I know this too well."

"I've never needed these services and don't know what it is like but there is more of this out there than anyone knows. Thank you." 

I don't do what I do to get recognition. Anyone who truly knows me knows that it makes me uncomfortable to be in the spotlight. I do this because I lived the shame, pain and fear. I made it through the darkness and want to help others find their way. But today it felt good to hear Thank You so many times. Every time someone said those words to me I heard a still, small voice inside say, "You belong right here. This is your path." 

This past week, I've received confirmation after confirmation that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That every step I've taken to get here has served its purpose. That each decision I've made has been the right one. Even the painful and negative (in some people's minds) decision to cut my parents and siblings out of my life has been reaffirmed to me this past week. It never ceases to amaze me that God knows the exact time we need to hear things. 

I feel a shift happening. A shaking off of all things painful, negative and oppressive that have hung over my head for so long. There is this ball of energy I feel deep within my soul that feels as if its about to burst and I can't wait to see what emerges! 

I got a phone call today that brought me tears. Good tears. Tears of Gratitude. Tears of realization that I have completely come full circle. But - I digress. Let's back up a bit.

In November I completed my retraining with the Central MN Sexual Assault Center to become an Advocate again. It was not as difficult this time around. The first time through I struggled. Really struggled. I was brand new on my Healing Journey and trying to come to grips with my Truth and I wanted to take on the world! My heart was already chasing the calling I felt. Truth was- I just wasn't ready and still had a lot of work to do on myself. The biggest piece this time around, I think, was that I was more prepared within my mind and soul. I am completely comfortable with my Truth and the journey I have taken. I am at peace with not having my parents or siblings in my life. Most importantly - I LOVE the Me I discovered hiding under all the pain, lies and ugliness of the past.

We were constantly reminded each week to wind down, treat ourselves kindly and do something relaxing because this line of work and subject matter can be extremely difficult and stressful. Since I had a 45 mn ride home, I would pop my boy, Kirk Franklin, into the CD player and blast it. (Yes, I even blew a speaker. Hubby is not happy about that.) Throughout my journey when I needed strength, to be reminded who I was and where I was going, and to find my center I would turn to this song - Declaration (This Is It). It's the song I listened to on repeat for over 2 hours while I waited to give my victim impact statement. It's my life's theme song. And yes- the one I blew my speaker on.

I had started experiencing anxiety, doubt and fears during the early part of training. I won't even go into all the things that were being thrown at me, but the past came to life again. All the years of hard work felt as if they'd never happened. I was being attacked for removing my parents and siblings from my life. Lies were being told about me. My PTSD reared its ugly head and I became jumpy, couldn't sleep, was on constant high alert. So many  things came at me and attacked me. I kept asking WHY?! Why is all this happening? One night driving home, I just started yelling at God and demanding answers. I was Fed Up. I kept hitting repeat on the CD player and Declaration kept playing over and over and over. And OVER. Then I heard it. I heard God's voice in the song.

I look back now, I look at how you tried to break me

To take my life, my peace of mind and drive me crazy

My self esteem, my dreams, my destiny

So, God allowed it, because He knew He had big plans for me

Hallelujah!

It's your grace, I know today it's how I made it

Thank You, Jesus

When I thought that it was over

I am Healed. I overcame my past, the abuse, the pain - everything. God brought me through it and WE (joint effort) did a lot of work on this girl. I believe that God has huge plans for me. It does not explain the abuse I endured but the journey I've taken has completely prepared me for those plans. And here I was - pursuing the call and passion He has placed on my heart. You know when God is using you in a mighty way that the devil wants to steal your joy, your blessing and discourage you to the point that you quit. He wants to blind you so that you can no longer see where you are or remember the good things God has already done.

Anger instantly flooded my veins. My blinders were OFF and the game was ON! I began screaming at the top of my lungs while driving down 94…….Oh, no you didn't!! You will NOT steal from me! You can't take my joy, my blessings, my calling - my life! You're a liar. You hear me? A LIAR. I am healed! I am WHOLE! God gave that to me and it's not yours to take! You tried to destroy me as a child through what was done to me. The joke is on you! God's taking something horrible and ugly that you gave me and has turned it into something beautiful, amazing and is using me to touch others. Get out of my life! You have nothing on me and no power over me!

I yelled so loud and for so long that my throat ached. Seriously, who does he think he IS?! Guess what? The anxiety, fear, doubts - Left. POOF! I had found my Strength again. Let's go back even further…..2009…..to fill in some more gaps. Sitting in my support group, fresh on my Healing Journey, angry, raw with pain and my advocate asks me, "Tell me what it looks like when Lori is a Thriver." (There are 3 stages: Victim, Survivor and Thriver. That calls for a separate post at a later date.) I was so taken aback and angry by her question that I told her she was a fucking lunatic. Really - I haven't even come to accept where I am RIGHT NOW. How dare you ask such a stupid question! I love my advocate. Truly LOVE her. She took no offense and even giggled a bit. She explained that even though it seems completely impossible at this very minute, I will reach that level one day and it's important to visualize what that will look like for myself. Could I dig inside just a bit, push past the anger and pain, and see the future Thriver Lori?

Fine. In a perfect world, where I've worked through all this crap, Thriver Lori is an Advocate for those who are struggling to find their voice and their Truth. She's helping others on their own Healing Journey and showing them that there is Hope. She's running her own support group(s), blogging about childhood sexual abuse and involved in bringing awareness to the issue.

Did I believe that would ever happen? Honestly - no. In that very moment I thought my pain, shame, guilt and anger were here to stay and were my new life. They felt like permanent appendages. Weights that would surely drown me and cause my death.

Fast forward to today. TODAY. 

I am an Advocate. Blog about my journey. Get PAID to blog. I am constantly Tweeting, Facebooking and bringing awareness to Childhood Sexual Abuse. I am not ashamed of my Truth or to speak out.

This week I attended the Board of Directors Meeting for the center. I am in the process of becoming a member. ME. ME! Lori the THRIVER! And….. Drum roll, please……

I got a call from the center and am being given my own support group here in Monticello. ME! THRIVER LORI! I can barely hold back the tears as I type this. God is so GOOD. He just keeps opening doors for me. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and so proud of myself. I have come full circle. GOD HAS BROUGHT ME FULL CIRCLE.

So, God allowed it, because He knew He had big plans for me

Hallelujah!

It's your grace, I know today it's how I made it

Thank You, Jesus

Daughtry is one of my all time favorite bands but every time this song comes across my iPod I now skip it because it's just too painful. It has reminded me of my brother and sister from the moment I heard it because it reminded me of the bond we had as siblings and became one of my favorite songs. But since needing to remove them from my life it only represents a death to me and makes my soul ache.

Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made

One by one they vanish just the same

The title itself is ironic. September. It's when the abuse started. I've always hated that month. But God has truly changed that by replacing that hatred with a blessing and creating a celebration for the month of September. My grandson was given to me and he is such a joy to my heart!

It was a Friday in September. Great way to start the weekend, right? The only reason I remember it was a Friday is because the Dukes of Hazard had been on and we had watched it with our dad.

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

I wonder what we did that summer? I wish so badly that I could remember playing hide and seek, playing kickball, walking to the little store to buy penny candy, playing car-light tag….I wish I could remember how that last summer of being carefree and just a child felt. I wish I could remember how we laughed with each other- completely unaware of the thief that was right around the corner. I wish I had the memories from that summer so I could hold them tightly and protect them. So I could pull them out and relive them when the awful memories surface.

The years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

Time is moving so quickly as an adult. I can't believe it's already been a year and a half since I last spoke to my brother. It feels like just yesterday. Each day all we do is create memories for tomorrow and, in the end, it's all we have to hold onto. I don't have many memories from my childhood. There are huge chunks missing all over the place. Most of what I remember about my siblings is from our adult lives.

Now the days are so long that summer's moving on

We reach for something that's already gone

We knew we had to leave this town

But we never knew when and we never knew how

We would end up here the way we are

Yeah we knew we had to leave this town

But we never knew when and we never knew how

It's funny. I always believed that it was the past 5-6 years of the abuse becoming public that changed us. But it was really that day in September. We were forced to conform to a life in the darkness, living in fear of anything that resembled the truth. Choking on words that could have had the power to free us from the talons of demons. Shamed into pretending we were a healthy, happy family so that nobody would see we lived on the very same street where hell was built.

But the truth surfaced as it always does and a wound that was over 30 years old was violently ripped and slashed open. In the public eye. Friends, family and strangers gawked at the train wreck and whispered behind their hands. Oh. My. God. We were like the Emperor walking through the streets believing he was wearing clothes. We. Were. Buck. Naked. We were uncovered and the world could see the ugliness we came from. The shame, guilt and complete horror sat like vomit in our throats as we clawed at anything that would save us.

Initially, we clung to each other but as the dust began to settle and the nakedness became more 'comfortable' we turned on each other. We had to. It was in the script. The Ugly Family from Hell Street: Part XII. We were ordered to play our parts and we played to a standing ovation. Here we are at the curtain call….

Now it all seems so clear.  The nakedness, the guilt, the shame, the pain were all necessary for me to get to where I am today.

There's nothing left to fear. So we made our way by finding what was real.

 I lived in fear. Fear of the darkness. Fear of the truth. Fear of people finding out. Fear of all the threats becoming reality. I feared EVERYTHING. Not anymore. There's no fear in the Truth. There's no fear in the light. I stared death, abuse, horror and shame in the face when I was a child. As an adult, I laced up my boxing gloves and went round after round after round with every memory, fear, belief and emotion. I went the distance and I conquered each and every last one. I know the accumulation of all that has transpired is a result of my prayers to God when I was little and then later as an adult. He is a faithful God and will answer when the time is right.

I hope to have the chance to create a real relationship with my dad one day. Not one blanketed by lies and drenched with unspoken words. Not one that has any attachment to Hell Street or anything that ugly life entailed. Will I ever have that? I have no idea but I know I have hope.

Will my mom ever come around and admit her role in the whole script? Will she ever acknowledge what I said, stop talking bad about me to cover her own ass and offer an apology? Who knows.

Will I ever have a relationship with my siblings again is probably the most important question in this entire post. When I was being abused, my dad threatened if I told that my siblings would be taken away from me and I'd never see them again. It was my greatest fear as a child. You could not have told me that as an adult that threat would become reality. I would never have believed you. Yet here we are.

I've lost my entire family because of something one parent did and the other allowed to continue. In a normal family, the siblings would have stuck together and shunned the parents for destroying their lives. We weren't handed that script. Sometimes when you live where hell was built it's hard to adjust your eyes away from the darkness and see the destruction around you or even pinpoint the source of your pain.

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

Yes. It was worth it. All of it. Every. Single. Moment. And if I had the chance to rewind the last 6 years and do it again, I wouldn't change anything. Even knowing that I would lose my brother and sister. I know that sounds weird to some of you because you're in the same boat and would kill to have your siblings back in your life.

When I think of where I would be right now had none of the abuse come out- I want to cry because I am so thankful that I am FREE and healed. That freedom and strength and completely new life outweighs everything I've lost. It doesn't matter to me one way or the other if any of my family members are part of my life again. I have hope, of course, but if it never happens I know it's because it's part of His plan. The reason I can be at peace even in the midst of pain and loss is because I am trusting His plan, His timing and His wisdom.

And as we peer out across the landscape as another September looms on the horizon, the memories remain. The pain returns once in awhile. But I'm not longer reaching for what's already gone. I'm now reaching for my grandson's hands that are full of hope and love. They are symbols of the strongholds that September no longer has.

"Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself." - Mohsin Hamid

I heard some things the other day about someone that is not one of my favorite people. She is everything you would never want to be. 

Judgemental. Two-faced. Jealous. Vindictive. Rude. Just a really mean person.

I could go on and on. But, just like everyone, she has another side to her that is good. She's talented and creative. Loves her kids. She's smart. What I heard wasn't good and for a split second, I felt a surge of happiness that FINALLY she had gotten what she deserved. And surprisingly, that feeling went away as quickly as it had come.

Instead, I felt sadness for her and her situation. Her childhood sucked. Really sucked. And her adult life has been spent running, hiding and otherwise trying to deal with it without actually facing it. Those demons have chased her and taunted her and she has finally been chained to the "fate" of those before her. I feel bad that those childhood demons and the sins of her parents have created such a painful spot in her life that she became who she is today. And it makes me sad that she's not only losing herself but those around her. 

At the end of the day, I realized that the past few years have changed me more than I thought. If this had happened to this woman 4 years ago, I would have felt giddy and smug that karma had kicked her in the ass and paid her back for every mean and bitchy thing she ever did to me, said to me, and lied about me. I would have floated higher than Cloud 9 for MONTHS. But I've grown and changed. The fact that I can feel compassion for my 'enemy' is beyond amazing to me. I can put myself in her shoes because I had a childhood that could very well have destroyed me had I not dug deep and dealt with it. I could be her right now but I was given the choice to walk down a different path and I took it. 

I thank God that my heart is different. I would hate to walk around wishing and waiting for Karma to strike those that have hurt me. What a miserable existence.

Do you know someone like this? Or are YOU that person? People who are happy with themselves and with their lives do not have time to spend energy on spewing lies and crap about others. They're busy chasing and living their dreams. 







The one thing I've noticed about these miserable people is that their negative energy is like a black ooze that permeates into every area of their life and, if they're lucky, affects those around them. This is what they want, after all. These gloomy, sad souls want nothing more than to drag everyone down to the level of despair that they feel. They will spend their time pointing out the faults and failures of others to anyone who is foolish enough to listen. Why? Because it makes them feel superior, smarter and better about themselves. If they can drag someone down, trample their name and paint a horrible picture about that person to the world it gives them a rush and a feeling, for a very short time, of satisfaction. The result, of course, isn't that people think any less of the person whose life and reputation they are trying to destroy. Instead, the miserable gossiper is the one who looks like a fool in the end. People begin to associate their name with someone who can't be trusted and who is malicious and ugly inside.

Don't be that person! Stop and ask yourself why do you want to hurt that person? What part of their life are you envious of? What characteristic do they have that you want? Are you just so bored with your life that anyone who comes along and is the least bit happy with themselves becomes your target?

Then do something about it! 

Go begin a new hobby, change jobs, get a job, go back to school....work on yourself! Start making yourself into the kind of person you dream about. Begin living your dreams and setting goals instead of tearing someone else down. If you're the one who is being trash talked and there's someone who can't seem to stop talking about you ......

Be thankful and count your blessings!

Number one- you already know you're happy, content and feeling fulfilled in your life so you should be giving thanks on a daily basis already.

Second, someone sees something so inherently good in you that not only do they want it for themselves but they want to take it away from you. Don't let them. Ignore the sad, pathetic people and what they are saying. Remember, it's not you who will suffer anyway. Negativity and unkindness always ricochet back to the source and do more damage on their return then the initial hit on the intended target. 

Hopefully you don't have piles of your dirty dainties lying around your home for guests to gawk at! But that's the general idea for the term "airing your dirty laundry." Nobody wants to see it and you should do everything you can to keep it under wraps.

Dirty laundry= dirty secrets

This has been the main topic in discussions with several of the victims I’m working with lately. Why is it that when a victim or Survivor tells their story - their LIFE experience - it's considered dirty laundry? This reference to dirty laundry is really offensive and hurtful because it is telling that person - "Hey. YOU don't matter. Your story isn't important. I don't care what happened to you. Your life is nothing but dirty rags."

Car accident victim

911 terrorist attack victim

Family of a murder victim

Someone with a terminal disease

Soldier with PTSD

Children of alcoholics

They are all allowed to share their stories, pain and ways they made it through the trauma. None of them asked for the mess. These things were done to them. Yet society completely accepts and listens to this part of who they are. But when a victim of childhood sexual abuse begins to find their voice and share what has happened to them they are forsaken by family, called names and told they need to shut up. For some reason, the victim is bullied into believing that what was done to them is somehow their guilt and shame to carry.

Shhh! Don't tell! This is our secret.

Abusers go to great lengths in order to get their victims to keep quiet. In my own experience, the threats made to me if I told were:

• I would be arrested
• My mom would be thrown in jail
• I'd be sent away and never see my family again
• Since he was "in" with the cops, they would believe him over me
• My siblings would be taken away and I'd never be allowed to see them again
• He had ways of making me disappear so no one would ever find me

In addition to threats, abusers will groom the victim and give them a false sense of being special. They'll buy them presents and treats followed by words such as, "See? I love you. You're special to me. Nobody will understand. That's why we have to keep it a secret." The victim is then torn because they feel shame, guilt and fear accompanied with an intense desire to protect the abuser. This is especially true if the abuser is a parent.

I lived my childhood in complete fear that someone would find out. Partly because of the threats and partly because I was so embarrassed and ashamed at what was being done to me. The one part of me hated him with a passion and the other half would defend him to the death to anyone that had a bad word to say about him. One part wanted to scream and tell and make it stop but the other half withered inside out of shame and hoped nobody would ever find out. This started when I was 9 years old and went on until I was just about 16. Do you know a 9, 10, 11 year old? Do you remember being that age? Can you put yourself in their little shoes and imagine what it is like to have very adult things done to you- things you should know nothing about- things that hurt physically and emotionally and at the same time live under the threats, fear and shame? And then be so twisted up inside because you can't stop loving and protecting this person who is doing such awful things to you?

I remember going to great lengths at one point to get someone to realize what was happening without actually saying anything. I spent a few weeks visiting my aunt in Colorado and did things in order to get her attention like stealing money and makeup. It got her attention all right because she knew that I wasn't that kind of person. She went to her pastor and then brought me in to talk and I began crying because I felt such relief! They knew! They knew! And I didn't say anything! It wasn't me that told so none of the awful things he threatened me with would happen. But they didn't know. They thought it was because my parents had just divorced and I was having a hard time with it which just made me cry harder because I was still stuck in hell.

There was also the day I molested my little brother which still makes me cry to this day because my brother and my sister were my world. And not that this excuses it, but as a child who was being abused myself, it was a 'natural' thing to do. Many children who are being molested will act out and molest other children, especially siblings. I didn't do it to hurt him yet that was the outcome. I did it because my little child brain believed that he would tell on me and then the truth would come out - again without ME having to tell because if I told I already knew what would happen. As an adult, I see why he never told but as a child I was unaware of just how dysfunctional our family was or even aware that my siblings were having issues, fears and feelings of their own - many of which revolved around what was being done to me.

Oh no! Did I just hang a pair of my dirty dainties out in public?! No. And here's why. Sexual abuse continues to happen BECAUSE we keep it a secret. It happens in secret and victims are threatened to keep it that way. It lives and breathes because nobody will acknowledge it is there so it roams freely, injuring the souls and hearts of children who grow up and become dysfunctional, hurting adults. Family secrets that are kept hidden do not keep families intact. They destroy them from the inside out. These secrets and abuse will continue from generation to generation until they are exposed. Abuse doesn't stop until we speak out. We cannot heal until we use our voice and share our story. When a person is possessed with a demon and the pastor is trying to cast it out, most of the time the pastor must name the demon (blasphemy, confusion, pride, etc.) before it will flee. It is the same way with sexual abuse. We cannot be free of the pain, shame, anger and the million other things that go along with it until we can name it, speak out and share what has happened to us.

Victims, no matter what anyone tells you - it is not your shame or guilt to carry. You did nothing wrong. Nor are you doing anything wrong by speaking out about it. Your life and your experiences are NOT dirty laundry. God certainly doesn't see your life and traumatic experience this way at all so there's no reason anyone else should, either. You matter! What happened to you matters! How you feel matters! And your healing journey is important!

Keep speaking! Keep healing!

If I could show you a picture of my soul right now it would look a bit like this......

For the first time in my life I feel peace and calm. Oh, yeah - there's still stress filled days, endless homework, deadlines, the occasional missed bill or empty gas tank when I need to be somewhere right now. But it's so weird because even in those hectic times that peace is still inside. It's like a warm, fuzzy blanket all wrapped around my insides.

A few years ago I asked God to show me what this verse meant -

"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

It took many, many lessons before I finally grasped what it meant. I've always been the type of person that has to have A Plan. I've got to know what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. There needs to be alternatives to The Plan and if something goes wrong I feel that I need to find a way to fix it immediately. The summary of that? I needed to be in control of my every situation because it made me feel safe. I controlled what was going to happen. I controlled what the outcome was. I had an escape plan in case something went wrong. That strong need for control goes back to the abuse and I know many of you understand how that vicious cycle works. But I'm not that person anymore. Partly because I've dealt with those issues and partly because I learned to Be Still.

I first started to develop an understanding when my brother was in Iraq. It scared the living daylights out of me because I had no control over it. There was no way to protect him. Well, there was no way for ME to protect him. I prayed every night and all day long for his safety and the safety of his unit. I would wake up in the night feeling fear and an urgency that he needed prayer. One night, I had a vision that he was being shot at. No matter if I closed my eyes or opened them, it just kept playing out. I dropped to my knees and started crying because I had no idea what was going on. About two days later, my brother Skyped me and told me they had been crossing a bridge or something and that's exactly what happened. When he returned from Iraq, he showed me pictures of the vehicle he'd been in. There were bullet holes everywhere. What grabbed my attention the most was when he showed me the "glass" that had surrounded him because he was one of the guys that sat up at the top of the vehicle. He pointed out the bullet holes that were created and aimed right at his face but never touched him. God is good and faithful.

I remember crying over and over to God for his protection that night. And through my frantic cries I heard a voice say, "Do you trust Me?" What? Yes! Yes, I trust You! But You need to....and please....and do it now! Another voice, "Be still; and know that I am God." Ugh! Ok, ok! What does that mean?! "Remember the double rainbow?" I had begun praying before my brother even left. I was a nervous wreck and had God on constant FaceTime. At the same time, kept asking Him to show me what Be Still meant. God had spoken to me and promised me that my brother would be safe and he would come home. Yet, I kept questioning Him. The night I said good-bye to my brother, a double rainbow had appeared in the sky. God told Noah that he would make a rainbow appear in the sky as a token to man that God was remembering His promise. God had given me TWO rainbows! TWO perfect, full rainbows. Now here He was asking if I remembered those beautiful symbols because He did. As that began to slowly sink into my head, I realized I was losing my mind for nothing. He'd already promised and was now reminding ME of that promise. I heard that voice again, "Be still; and know that I am God." 

OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooH! You are God. YOU. ARE. GOD. YOU have it under control. Oooooooooh!

I finally understood what it meant. But I hadn't learned it yet. This past year has been horrible. I confronted my mom about not only knowing about the abuse but walking in while it happened and never doing anything about it. Her response was, instead of talking to me, was to bad mouth and complain about me to my brother. There was no acknowledgement of what I'd said. No calling me a liar. No apology. Nothing. Except behind my back. Next, my brother decided that I no longer was worthy of a place in his life because I refused to be quiet about my story and now I was "picking" on our "innocent" mother. A few months ago, I removed my sister from my life also. And this is where I learned the full lesson of Be Still.

I began having a horrible gut feeling that she was being one person to my face and another behind my back and I started hearing and seeing things that strengthened that feeling. So I started praying and asked God to either A) show me that it was all in my head or B) give me proof that my gut, ears and eyes were telling me the truth. I already have lost my dad, mom and brother. I didn't want to lose my entire family if I didn't have to. He began showing me proof but I'd ask for more because I didn't want to believe it. The more He showed me the angrier I got. Not at Him but because I knew what I needed to do and I also knew there was no way around it because my family isn't ready to come out of their dysfunction and lies and truly heal. I spent many months just being furious about the whole situation. My narcissistic, lying and play the victim mother. My brother who thinks that dealing and talking about things is 'drama', who refuses to deal with his own demons and thinks he can just bully everyone into doing and believing what he wants. And now my sister, who I had actually begun to trust and thought we had gotten through our issues and had moved onto a new relationship. It all irked me day in and day out to the point it was making me crazy. 

One day I just screamed, "What do You want me to do?! I'm sick of this! I'm tired of the lies and backstabbing. I'm sick and tired of my family!" And there it was again. "Be still; and know I am God." Uh, seriously?! Right now?! Did you not just hear what I said? What about that?! "Be still; and know that I am God." As I sat there and pondered that, I realized that He had given me the proof I had needed. He was giving me permission and telling me to let go of my family. They weren't any good for me and it doesn't matter that they're my blood. They aren't willing to talk about anything. They continually tell me to get over everything I have to deal with on a daily basis. They accuse me of being the problem in the family and the reason we aren't a family anymore. Oh- hey! Just for the record....Our DAD made this mess and our MOM allowed it to continue for years. It's THEIR fault. The three of us are the victims and should have stuck together. Instead, they both cling to the abusers and remove me. Oh, well. BE STILL. God reminded me of the burden and desire He's put in my heart to use my story and experience for the good so that I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. I can't remain healthy and healed with that kind of negativity and abuse still in my life. I can't bring this dream to fruition if I don't trim those dead limbs off. So....I did it. I deleted the final piece - my sister. Three family members in less than a year - gone. It wasn't easy. But as soon as I did it I felt the peace. Not peace because they're gone but peace because I'm doing what I need to do to stay healed, keep helping people and moving towards that dream. 

Peace because He is God. He will fight those battles for me. I don't have to do anything except give it to Him and trust. 

Peace because I learned to Be Still.

The one thing I've learned in the past few years is to love myself.

Believe me......

After a lifetime of hating, harming and blaming myself for what I was forced to endure, it was extremely hard to finally reach this point.

I've gained Freedom from my past and Love for myself. That's worth more to me than anything in this world.

So many things that need to be said between us but if I try I will be accused of starting drama. The main thing I want you to know is that I love you. The second thing I want you to know is that being cut out of your life is not affecting me the way you wanted it to.

You removed me from your life because you think I should shut my mouth and stop talking about childhood sexual abuse.

You believe that I'm not helping others and am just wanting attention.

You believe that I can't stop petting the demons.

You  believe that I'm the one that is dragging our family through mud and drama.

You believe that I'm "attacking" mom who, in your opinion, is an innocent bystander because I can't "get a reaction" out of dad.

First, mom isn't innocent at all and you know that. She walked in on the abuse and turned around and walked out of the house - leaving me there to endure hell. She allowed it to continue for years, then divorced dad and left us there with him. When I finally confronted her about it at the beginning of the year (at the urging of my therapist), she ignored me. Has not once acknowledged the email, me, my feelings or any of it. Yet she bitched, cried, complained to you constantly about it. Even lying that I had disowned her. All for which you yelled at me about. This wasn't your battle or your business. I didn't involve you. She did. Instead of handling it like an adult and a parent. Do you know that the only reason she wasn't arrested along with dad is because the law had just changed and the statute of limitations was over regarding her involvement? Otherwise, she would have been behind bars, as she should  have, for allowing her child to be abused.

Second, I don't understand what you mean when you say that I can't get a reaction out of dad. What have I done or am I doing that makes you believe I've ever wanted a reaction from him? You love to throw accusations at me but never, ever will you explain them when I push you on it. I said my peace to dad while he was behind bars. He just wasn't ready to hear it or accept it. He's working on this stuff right now and I'm patiently waiting for the day when he can apologize to me without any "buts" or blaming me and other people for his actions. Contrary to what you think, I'm not mad at dad anymore. I've healed from that. I still get mad at the situation. I still get angry that I have to deal with triggers, memories and the like. But I'm not mad at him anymore. I've spoken to his probation officer and he knows exactly how I feel and has passed it on to dad's counselors and dad. They all know that I want a relationship with him again but not until he is ready to accept all the responsibility and not try to play mind games with me. He is far from being ready according to his counselors and probation officer.

Third, you yelled at me to stop blaming innocent people like mom and place the blame on the real monster - the one who created this mess. Well, why don't you take your own advice and do just that? You are blaming ME for this entire mess. I'm not the one who brought shame to our family name or drug our family through the mud. Dad did. He is the one who created this entire situation. So instead of blaming me - an innocent victim - shift your anger to the one who deserves it. I'm sorry you can't find the strength to deal with the demons who now live inside you. I'm sorry you refuse to face reality, process through this shit and heal. But I have news for you. Cutting me out of your life doesn't erase your past, your pain or your demons. They still exist. They're still thriving. And one day you will have to face them in order to be whole again. One day you will realize how wrong you've been and how you destroyed a relationship with the one person who has always loved you no matter what and had your back. But, for some reason, I think you'll learn this lesson after it's much too late to fix anything.

Lastly, I will never shut up about childhood sexual abuse. Ever. Never. Ever. And I honestly don't care if this action removes you from my life until my death. I was forced to be silent about this my entire life. I was threatened with you and my sister being taken away from me, with mom going to jail, with me going to jail and/or a home, and with my life if I ever spoke about the abuse. I lived in a silent hell where I couldn't be myself and was completely alone. The fact that you are trying to bully me and order me to shut my mouth makes you no different than my abuser. You're trying to control me in order to benefit YOU. It will never happen. I will be your scapegoat and let you blame me for everything wrong in your life and let you tell people that I'm the "bad guy" and that's why you don't have anything to do with me. But I will never in a million years be your (or anyone else's) puppet ever again.

You probably believe that I'm crushed that you've cut me out and that I'm just falling apart because you no longer speak to me. The joke is on you. What you don't realize, Tom, is that I'm not that person you think you know anymore. I'm not the person you've placed inside that box and have expected me to act, think and do what you've always known me to do. I'm a strong, healed woman now. I don't take shit from anyone. I confront bullshit when it's thrown at me. I believe in myself and value myself. I've learned that family ISN'T everything and that it's ok to let family members go if they're toxic. I speak out when it's needed. What you don't know is how big my support system is and how many people believe in me. How many family members, friends and complete strangers have my back.

And, yes, I am helping people. Do you know how many co-workers, friends, friends' kids, my children's friends and their parents, classmates and kids that were in my Sunday school classes and complete strangers that have been affected by the same thing and have not found their voice yet? God has answered my prayers and is using what the devil tried to destroy me with to bring glory to Him and be a blessing to others. I am an advocate, Tom. In my personal life and through other organizations. It's not an attention seeking ploy. It's my calling and brings fulfillment to my life. It's my peace and how I give back to God for rescuing me and answering the prayers of that little girl I was so long ago. I'm sorry you don't understand that but I also don't care if you ever do. I don't need your approval. And I certainly don't need you in my life until you deal with your own demons. I'm not really confident that will ever happen because you are much like dad in that way in that you hold onto things and grudges for life and refuse to look inside yourself at things you need to change.

So, my final words to you, Tom - I love you. Always have. Always will. Unconditionally and without question. No matter what you do to me, say about me or how much you hate me. That love will never die.

Here it is 8 days post op and I'm feeling pretty awesome!

Surgery was last Thursday. My doctor went in laparoscopically to examine me but couldn't even tell what she was looking at. My uterus, ovaries and bowel were melded together. She ended up cutting me open on my C-section scar and calling in the general surgeon for assistance. 

When they opened me up, the surgical team gasped and said, "Was she in a lot of pain?!" Turns out I DID have endometriosis and the scar tissue from this had overtaken my organs which explained my constant pain and debilitating back pain. She also found a huge cyst that was twisted around my left ovary and said that it probably had been non-functioning for quite awhile. 

She had my fiance paged as soon as she opened me up and he said his heart dropped and he started sweating. The surgery was only supposed to take an hour and a half and it had only been maybe an hour. He thought something had gone wrong and the first thing he noticed was my doctor's shoes splattered with my blood. 

It turned into a 3-hour procedure and they only left an ovary. They cleaned out the scar tissue as best they could and she said I should not be in pain anymore after I am done healing. She couldn't believe that the last doctor had not done any exploratory surgery to find out why I was in so much pain - even when I mentioned I thought I had endometriosis. 

Recovery was rough. That entire day after the surgery I slept in between getting my vitals taken every four hours, my hemoglobin checked every three hours and the alarms going off on my IV machine. I lost a lot of blood and had to have two infusions which was a first for me.  I dreaded the next day because I knew I would have to get out of bed and it wasn't going to be easy or fun. But...we made it through. I wasn't allowed to go home until Sunday and I was so happy!

Sitting here at home and not being allowed to do anything except walk and rest is extremely hard and painful for me. I find it really ironic that I have complained that I have no free time because I work full-time and go to school full-time......and here I sit. All the time in the world and I'm so bored! God has a strange sense of humor. Be careful what you ask for!

"Though silence is not necessarily an admission, it is not a denial, either." Marcus Tullius Cicero

 It's been 4 months since I sent my mom the email confronting her about her knowledge of my abuse. She has yet to even acknowledge that I said anything to her. Instead, she has whined and cried to my brother about it and also claimed that I disowned her - which is a lie. 

Does she think that by pretending I never said anything that it will go away? That I will just one day forget that she walked in on the abuse and chose to turn around, leave the house and let it continue? Does she think that by not saying anything that she is professing her innocence? 

I don't get it! If I had ever, ever, EVER hurt my children in any way, shape or form and they came back and confronted me on it - I would be apologizing and talking to them about it, trying to figure out how to make things right again. There would never be a chance in hell that I would ignore their pain. Especially a pain that I caused. 

In the email I told her I forgave her. However, that doesn't relieve her from the responsibility she has to take accountability for it and also talk to me about it. She doesn't talk to me, interact with me or even give a shit about me but wants to be "friends" on Facebook while she bad mouths me to my sibling. 

I have come to accept the fact that I am an orphan - always have been. Sure, I had parents who put a roof over my head and food in my belly but that is about it. Because at the age of 9, when the abuse started, both of my parents turned their backs on me and decided I wasn't good enough and wasn't worthy to be loved or cared for. 

One abused me and the other closed their eyes.

Neither are a part of my life now. Why? Because I found my voice. Because I became strong and healthy. Because I no longer let people walk on me and I stand up for myself and what I believe. Because I speak my Truth. Because I refuse to ever be silent again. Because I made them look at themselves.

My siblings and I were raised in a highly dysfunctional family. It remains this way today. I always viewed my sister as a trouble-maker and pot stirrer because she was constantly bringing things up and trying to talk about things. As I look back, she was the only one even remotely healthy in our family. She spent many years in group homes and therapy where they taught her to confront, communicate, hash things out, own and share her feelings - all things we were discouraged from doing. It wasn't until I went through 5 years of therapy myself that I finally learned what healthy communication was. It was all the things my sister had been trying to get us to do for years. 

My sister and I are the only ones in the family who can now sit down together and even though we disagree, can talk about things, gain an understanding of each other and support each other - even though we walk away still in disagreement. She is the only family member that I feel I can trust and talk to because we KNOW HOW. 

I refuse to be a part of that dysfunction anymore. I refuse to partake in gossip and listen to you bitch and moan about another family member when you should be talking to them. My brother disowned me - for many reasons - but mainly because he still lives in the dysfunction and it feels safe for him. Anything about communication, talking about past hurts, or hashing things out is considered drama to him. I feel sad about that because he is missing out. He doesn't understand that it's not drama - it's healthy communication.

Will she ever acknowledge me and what I said? Will she be accountable for her actions? Will she swallow her pride and begin to mend the relationship? Probably not. Neither of my parents will. EVER. When they become old and sick - I won't be there. When they die - I will not be there holding their hand. When it comes time to bury them - I will not be there, either. They have shown me what I have meant to them and continue to show me to this day. 

Releasing them from my life is not only necessary but OKAY. I have a right to protect myself and draw boundaries. 

And the line has been drawn.

How quickly things change. Not even a month ago I was determined to press forward and live with the pain. Today.....I'm losing sleep over the upcoming surgery. 

The pills worked for one week. I'm not even going to go into what I've been putting up with for the past few weeks. I just realized that I can't live like this any more. So I went back to the doctor and my hysterectomy is scheduled for June 20th. 

I'm excited to be done with the agony but nervous as hell. Mostly because we aren't sure yet if she'll be able to do it laparoscopically or, once she gets in there, will need to open me up. I've had a C-section before and do NOT want to do that again. Ever.

I can't sleep at night because I'm going over everything I need to get done by Wednesday of next week. Finals are next week so I need to get my work turned in early. Michaela's shower is two days after my surgery and I need to have everything ready for that. Gotta get the fridge and cabinets stocked so my son can cook for me while I'm laid up. (Ought to be interesting). There's things at work to get done and people to train. Aaaaargh! My mind won't shut down! 

Add all of that to the fears I have for this surgery and it equals no sleep! I don't know why I'm so flipping nervous about this surgery. I've had plenty of others but this one in particular is doing a job on my sanity.

Last year, I had to put the entire year of race plans on hold due to severe and constant pelvic pain. For a few days each month it was so intense that it would cause me to begin blacking out. I went to the OB/ GYN (two, actually) and had blood tests, several exams and ultrasounds done. She finally told me that all of my pain would be cured by having a NovaSure procedure. This is where they take a wand-like device, place it inside the uterus and burn the inside. It is supposed to cause scarring and stop the bleeding (which wasn't even really my issue.) 

I was so desperate to be pain free and feel normal again that I finally agreed. She's been my OB/GYN for almost ten years. I trusted her. So I had the procedure done last August. Easy peasy. And she was right! The pain was GONE! For about two months. Then it slowly started creeping back in.

Now, nine months post op, I am in constant pain once again. I made an appointment with a different doctor, different facility. She looked over the medical records I had transferred to her and noticed that during the last ultrasound they had found that I had adenomyosis (endometriosis of the uterus). She said, "Didn't they tell you the NovaSure procedure will not help this at all? The pain will only return."  I was flabbergasted and very angry. The doctor who performed the surgery hadn't even TOLD me they had discovered this.

It all boils down to - the only cure for this is a hysterectomy. My heart dropped. I have too much going on this year to have it done. So we decided to try progesterone only pills to try and alleviate the pain until we can schedule my surgery next year. Are they helping? Yes and no. The pain is still there but it is not so bad that I'm blacking out. And I've even had one entire week without pain this month! There is hope!

So...Once again, the race schedule I so carefully planned this year has been placed aside. I am frustrated beyond belief. So far, we only have one event scheduled - The Mud Games!! I can't wait. We're doing it as a family. Hopefully, my son, fiance and I will hit up a few 5Ks, also, but everything else is on the back burner.

For now, I'm sticking with my eating and training plan so that I will be fit and strong which will help my body recover faster.

Peace & Love!

I yelled out a triumphant, "Yes!" when I ran across this article. It's so validating to hear someone else say what I've been saying and feeling. 

So, last month my brother removed me from his life. Never in a million years did I ever think that would happen but, truthfully, saw it coming. Ever since Dad was arrested and the truth became public knowledge, it's been on a slow boil. I knew he was having trouble with it but he did what he needed to in order to survive through the hell we as a family faced - buried it. He also became a rock for me when I was interviewed by the police, fell apart while Dad was jailed, watched him plead "Guilty" and then when I faced him in court and read my victim impact statement. I love him for that. We were all suffering, falling apart and completely lost. Yet he held it together long enough to see me through the first phase.

He has very little information or insight on what I've lived through since then. He knows the basics: flashbacks, nightmares, therapy, support groups, anxiety and the list goes on and on. But none of my family knows exactly what the last 5 years have held for me. In fact, my kids know more than my siblings because they lived through most of it with me. I knew we were all fighting our battles which is one reason I didn't talk with my siblings about it. But it was also all I could do to make it through my own garbage. 

My fiance knows it all and he's the only one that does.

• The ugly details of the abuse and our dysfunctional family
• Nightmare upon nightmare night after night
• Needing to sleep with the lights on and a knife under my pillow
• Anxiety so bad that I withdrew from everyone
• Depression so dark and debiliating that I prayed and begged God to let me die. I will never forget the look on my fiance's face the nights he sat up and watched over me because he was afraid to leave me alone. 
• Trigger after trigger after trigger - never knew what would set me off, bring back a memory, set off a flashback. It could be a smell, an expression on someone's face, the feeling of fabric....it was hell.
• The complete breakdown of our intimate life 
• Crying, screaming, absolutely shutting down on a daily basis
• The exhaustion of therapy and processing through memories, lies, feelings every week for the past 5 years 

 Again, that's a very basic list. And even through all the therapy, processing and healing - these things continue to happen TODAY. That's what people don't understand when they question why I still talk about what happened to me. I was forced to be silent almost my entire life.

For you to ask me to be silent AGAIN because you refuse to deal with your own issues - is just like abusing me all over again. 

When my brother removed me from his life my reaction shocked me and reaffirmed to me just how far I've come. I didn't cry and flip out. I didn't obsess over it. I simply took a deep breath and reminded myself that THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME. It's all about HIM.

Darlene writes:

"The biggest reason that people persuaded me not to talk about child abuse and dysfunctional family stuff was either because THEY didn’t want to be exposed or because they knew that if they sided with me or even if they validated me, then they would have to face their own dysfunctional family stuff. They were not trying to help me live a better life in freedom and wholeness with their “just let it go” directives.

Were they really telling me to accept that people messed with my head, discounted and devalued me, took advantage of me, taught me that something was “wrong with me”, abused, mistreated and objectified me, and telling me that I should just “get over it”? In that dysfunctional recovery system, everyone endorsed “keeping the silence” and no one wanted to talk about spending some time actually validating the dysfunction first."

It is so hard to face the dysfunction of your own family, to try to reprogram the false beliefs you've been fed and weed through the decades of lies you thought were real. It's painful. It's exhausting. It's easier to close your eyes and pretend none of it exists and nothing has changed. I get it. 

But do not ever tell me to STFU about my story. It's not going to happen. I will speak my truth, I will tell my story and I will continue to help others find their own voice. I've always put others and my family first before I even considered myself. No more. I'm now choosing what's best for me, looking out for me and taking care of me. I'm sorry if you have a problem with that. You need to open your eyes when you stand in front of that mirror - it holds all the truth you need.

Just like Darlene said -

"I will speak my truth. I will tell my story. Look at my life today! I am free. I am living a full and happy life bursting with wholeness and freedom in the sunlight of the truth and no longer in the shadow of the lie.  The fact that they are not happy for me is actually more proof of the dysfunctional system they live in. Like crabs in a bucket, clambering over each other to get out but only pulling each other back down because really, no one wants another little crab to escape into freedom if the darkness of the bucket is the fate of the rest. Well too bad for them. I finally stood up to them and stood up for me. I finally chose ME over them. I escaped. I don’t live in that darkness anymore and it feels GREAT to have the sun on my face!" 

 http://emergingfrombroken.com/being-told-to-leave-the-past-in-the-past/

Hmmmm....I'm not really sure why my entry titled, "Dear Miss K" is so popular. It's my second MOST viewed blog post for all time and THE most read one this month. 

I'm so confused. 

So let me just clear the air and unveil the person who inspired that entry. 

                                     Yes, it is you, Kelly.  

We have known each other almost our entire lives and yet I've never been able to trust you. You lied about everything when we were kids and even when I'd catch you - you'd "find" your way out. 

As an adult I had to cut off our friendship - a term I use loosely- not once, but TWICE. You continued to lie to me, try to control me, stalk me and bad mouth me. You lied to me about your husband being killed in an ice storm....WHO DOES THAT?! You went behind my back and told my friends and customers every detail of my divorce. They were actually TRUE friends and told me about it because they were disgusted by you.

Then when I decide to let you back in my life -simply because I was an idiot- you tell everyone about the hell I was going through from my dad being arrested and the horrors I was having to deal with in therapy because of what he did to me. That wasn't your fucking story to tell - FIRST OF ALL. 

SECONDLY - You were a shitty friend to make jokes to my face about me being sexually abused. 

Then - you began (actually, always have) to tell lies about each of us to each other, spill our secrets, and bad mouth us to each other. You are full of drama and nothing else. 

Now you keep in touch with my mom and supposedly gather your information about my life that way. How's that working for you? I don't suppose she's told you that she's not part of my life and knows nothing about what is happening in it? Quit trying to contact me - quit texting me! I don't want anything to do with you  or any of the trouble, drama and nastiness you bring. 

I have moved on and worked my ass off becoming whole and healed from my past. I choose to live positively and refuse to let anything that doesn't serve a good and higher purpose into my life. You are included in the banned list. 

Please make a note of that. Thanks. 

Oh - and one other thing. A few years ago, there was someone else that would continually whine to her husband believing that she was the object of my FB posts and some blogs. When I'd tell him that she wasn't and explain who they were about - she wouldn't believe me. Well, get over yourself. I was telling the truth about who and what I was writing about. It was never about you  and the initial K was never yours. So now the mysteries are solved.