Monday, May 25, 2009

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

There are many things I do not understand. And I'm fine with that. We're not meant to understand everything ~ that's where faith steps in. But there are those things that are just unacceptable.

Lying, for example. Especially lying about a child to make gains for yourself or to make yourself look like the "injured" party. What is that teaching the child? It's ok to lie if you're an adult? It's ok to lie if you need to make someone look bad? It's ok to lie so you can get ahead? Have you ever stopped and thought about the volumes your actions speak about your character? Nothing you can do or say after that will ever erase the picture someone has now created of you and the person you are. And even if the people around you believe the lies you've said at that time, does it really matter? Because the One that REALLY matters, already knows the truth. God has seen what you've done to that child. He has heard the lies you've told. He has seen your heart and known your motives for wanting to hurt that child with your lies.

Lies. I hate lies. I hate being lied to. I hate being lied about. I would never dream of lying about anyone in my family to make myself look better or to make others turn on another family member. So why is it that you feel compelled to do so? What are you hoping to gain?

After what I've lived through most of my life but especially the past couple years, you'd think that you would be happy for me. Overjoyed that FINALLY I'm able to get justice, to find peace, to start healing. And yet at the peak of it all, when it was the most painful, you chose that time to knock me down even further. To turn your back on me and continue stabbing. Why? And then you turn around and tell lie on top of lie and blame this and that on me. When I've sat here for the past year and those before, doing absolutely nothing to you. I'm not fighting back and yet you keep swinging. In going through all my therapy and my support groups, I've learned to deal with the past and I've healed a great deal of the wounds. NOTHING you can do or say, can reopen them. I've learned to ignore you. I've let you go. I've let him go, too.

You can continue to attack me. Continue to lie about me. Continue to try and rip apart my relationships with my family. Continue to tear apart my character. Say what you want. I keep hearing about it.

I DON'T CARE. God brought this to the light. He has given me the justice and brought my healing. Nothing either of you do, can change that. Nothing either of you say can steal it away. NOTHING. When will it get through to you?

I hope you're prepared for when it all falls in on you. What you give out always comes back to you...whether it was good or bad.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I had high hopes when Daughter came home to stay. I held tight to the hope that she would put to use all she had learned, that as a family we would be healed. Those hopes were crushed and destroyed. Several times in the past month.

Things were going so well. I should've known. I should've seen it coming. But love is blind, is it not? Love bears all things. Love believes all things. Love hopes and endures all things. That is what scripture tells us. That's what I know and believe. As a mom, Love is what I DO.

I have to say I am impressed with the change in her. She is not defiant or angry. She does her chores...though it's usually on her time, not mine. But they get done. When something is bothering her, she is able to sit down with one of us and talk about it and even ask for input. She's often thinking of others and not focused on herself anymore. There is so much good in her and about her now. There always was but somewhere along the way, she lost it. No. It was stolen from her by a demon. A demon known as Depression. He stole so much from her, from her life, from us.

So while many things are very good.......there are still things that are terribly wrong. I'm standing at a place where I need to make a major decision...yet again. I am constantly wrestling with the decision day after day. It's tearing my heart apart. I don't want to make a mistake.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.

I gave the last decision to Him. I leaned on Him even though I didn't understand or even know if I was doing what I should be. I trusted Daughter to Him and everything turned out right. This time is different. This time is harder. This time.....feels permanent. I feel as though I've lost my daughter.

The only thing that gives me hope is the scripture:

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

I have the promise that all I've put into her heart and her mind is still there, sprouting like a seedling. I have taught her everyday of her life how to behave, how a lady acts, how to treat others, to trust in God, that she has a purpose here. It started the first time I held her in my arms and has not stopped. If you had the time to sit with her, she could tell you almost word for word, everything I've placed in her heart. She KNOWS.

Right now she is doing things "her" way. The opposite of all I've instilled in her, of course. But one day, she will come back around. I have that promise. God doesn't break His promises.