Monday, August 30, 2010

No – I don’t wanna.....

" A common analogy for the healing process is that it's like a spiral. You go through the same stages again and again; but traveling up the spiral, you pass through them at a different level, with a different perspective. You might spend a year or two dealing intensely with your abuse. Then you might take a break and focus more on the present. A year or so later, changes in your life - a new relationship, the birth of a child, graduation from school, or simply an inner urge - may stir up more unresolved memories and feelings, and you may focus in on it again, embarking on a second or a third or a fourth round of discovery. With each new cycle, your capacity to feel, to remember, to make lasting changes, is strengthened." (Bass & Davis, The Courage to Heal, 1994)

I have been up and down on that spiral many times and I had finally reached a point where I could let it rest for a while. I was at peace and able to focus in on Today. Right Now.

All that has changed and I'm hanging off the cliff on that spiral of healing.

Holding tight so as not to fall off into the abyss.

Stuck at Anger Impasse.  
I have dealt with immense pain for over the last year and a half. Not just during sex but even while I'm relaxed or going about my day. It feels as though some maniac has taken an ice pick and is stabbing violently through my pelvis and up between my legs. It reached the point to where I just couldn't live like that anymore. I went to my doctor who sent me to a specialist who then referred me to a physical therapist.

Turns out that my pelvic muscles are so tightly wound that they can't relax which in turn leads to immense pain. Subconsciously, she said that my body is rejecting anything that is put inside my body or even placed next to it. It's stressed out. After spending an hour in her office being examined and giving a complete history ~ it was discovered.

The pain had started shortly after my dad had been released from jail. I remember that time, too. It was scarier and more stressful for me than reading my victim impact statement in court. I began having flashbacks and nightmares where I'd wake myself up screaming. I had to sleep with a light on or the TV on so I wouldn't be in the dark. I was a complete and utter mess. The little girl in me knew that he was somewhere out there, capable of hurting me again. Capable of appearing at my bedside in the middle of the dark night. Even though the woman in me knew that he wasn't coming for me. I was safe.  
So here I am. Again. Paying for his wrongs. And I'm ANGRY. I'm so angry! I don't want to do this right now! Physical therapy, remembering, flashbacks, nightmares, therapy…I DON'T WANT TO!!! I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I just want it to GO AWAY.  
How is it that I have to continue the rest of my life going up and down on this rollercoaster because of something HE did? How I wish this page was something out of Harry Potter so that it would SCREAM when you read it. I don't know if that scream would ever end. It would be a continuous scream like the screams of the souls in Hell. It feels as though that's where I am right now. My own personal Hell.


I have been here before.

I've faced those demons head on and fought my way out of Hell time and time again.

I am strong and nothing will keep me down.

Nothing will keep me from Healing and Thriving.


Bring on the Anger- it's the fuel I need to press on and continue on my Journey!

I'm so thankful for those of you that continue to support and encourage me. It means SO much to know that I'm not alone and that I have travel buddies.







Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Another trip to the doctor. Yet another specialist. Now I have to endure physical therapy for the next month; possibly longer. I've never heard of physical therapy for that part of the body ~ but I will do whatever it takes. I'll be going through 3 different therapies several times a week plus things I need to do at home.

I left the doctor's office doing my yoga breathing so that I didn't have a break down right in the middle of everyone. The anger and frustration kept trying to bubble over and all I really wanted to do was start punching something, someone, anything. I wanted to run through the halls screaming at the top of my lungs.

How is it that, yet again, I'm paying for what you chose to do to me when I was a child?




I'm so angry! Yes, I love you. But honestly, right at this moment, I hate you.

It's not fair that every day ~ EVERY DAY~ that goes by I deal with it in some way. A flashback, nightmare, my physical pain….something. Day in and day out. It will be with me the rest of my life.

You? You got a slap on your hand and go on living. Ignoring me and everything in between as if it (and I) never even existed. It makes me sick. You have no idea. None. I wish I could turn my back on it like you have. Like everyone else has. But I can't. Because it's built into every fiber of my being. Every cell of my body screams at me to deal with it and never lets me forget or run from it.


God forbid that I ever hurt either of my children in such horrific ways as you have and then turn my back on them and leave them all alone to deal with the mess I created. You want to keep professing God ~ fine ~ but don't speak so loudly when you haven't handled the business in your own yard.



Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Way or the Highway!

I received a call last Friday from my youngest brother. Thought he was calling just to chat but found out quickly that wasn't the case. He was simply 'reminding' me to call Dad because it was his birthday. Yep, I knew that.

Do I need a reminder? No.

Was I going to call him? No.

Did I even send a card? No.

I love my little brother. I'm not mad that he called just for that purpose. I explained to him the Why's of my actions. He said he understood and even agreed with me. Was he telling the truth? Who knows. It doesn't matter. I shouldn't, however, have to explain and defend my actions. My relationship with our Dad is my business and his…..especially because of what transpired between us.  
I don't question or discourage any of my siblings and their relationships with our Dad. We all went through Hell and were destroyed because of him. We all have our own lives, hearts and paths to rebuild ~ with or without Dad. Those decisions should be ours and ours alone without having to explain the reasoning.

I love my Dad. Without question. Without explanation. Without apology.

My entire life I struggled and worked to build a relationship with him. It was always me making the first move, the phone call, and traveling to visit. For a few years when I cut him out of my life the first time, I listened to my sister try to put guilt trips on me while she told me all the reasons I needed to go visit him and call him; about how sad and upset he was because I didn't send a card for Father's Day or his birthday. Back then, it only made me angry. She had no idea WHY I had taken him out of my life. There was no way I could explain it.

Here we are two years after he's been released from jail for what he did to me. I refuse to be bullied or made to feel guilty for not calling him on his birthday.

Let me ask some questions:

Who made the first move after Dad was released from jail to try & rebuild the relationship? ~ Me. I called him on the Thanksgiving after he was released.  
Has he called me at all since then? ~ NO.

Has he emailed me at all since then? ~ NO.

Has he written to me at all since then? ~ NO.

Did HE call or send a card on MY birthday? ~ NO.

Relationships are a two-way street. My siblings and I have always been the ones to reach out to our dad, to visit ~ to make the effort. I have reached the point and been through enough counseling to realize that I don't have to put up with it anymore. I'm worth so much more than that.

It's sad that my own father doesn't see my value or the value of a relationship with his children. What an empty legacy he will leave behind.

No. I'm not angry with my dad. I placed this in God's hands long ago. He knows what is best for me and will take care of it. My dad has his own path to rebuild. How and with whom he chooses to do so is his business and a decision he'll have to live with the rest of his life.

I'll continue to stand firm without guilt. I finally love, respect and care about myself. Anyone who doesn't share this view and refuses to do the same isn't welcome into my world. 

For the first time I'm in control. It's my way or the highway. No apologies.