Monday, January 31, 2011

5 Down!

Today, I crossed 5 things off my list of Goals for 2011 that I completed. It felt amazing! I am such an oddball when it comes to making lists. I make lists furiously for everything. 

1. I will forget. 
2. I love the satisfaction of crossing something off.

My favorite one to make, though, is my goals for the upcoming year. They involve everything from projects I want to complete, things I want to try and do, personal, and spiritual goals.

By the end of February, I will be able to scribble off 6 more things.

This is My Year. So many good & profitable changes happening.

My Phoenix has returned to its nest and, once again, has gone up in flames only to be reborn into a new, beautiful creature.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Angel Girl

Written for my beautiful daughter: 
My blue-eyed little Angel Girl
Once draped in black disguise
Carving Scars; your skin, your heart
Marilyn. Clamorous. Manson. Silent.
Hollow soul. Embraced it
Fierce as a Mama Bear.
Believing – Come what may
Within the depths of you
A woman
Strong. And Free.
Today I heard your voice. Confident.
And proud.
You had glimpsed that woman
With your own eyes –
Not mine.
She was adorned in Fireworks!
Scars sparkled from a fire set free.
My blue-eyed little Angel Girl

Monday, January 24, 2011

Happy Birthday, Sister.

I have three sisters. Jennifer died before she reached a year old when I was 5. Jill was born when I was 7. And April was adopted by our dad when he married her mom when I was 16.

Today is my sister Jill’s birthday.

Our relationship through the years has been through many ups and downs; many fights, tears and laughter….much love accompanied and spotted with hate, jealousy and misunderstandings. I could write and write and write….and write some more about our relationship. In fact, I could probably pen a book or two. But besides opening a huge vat of worms, it wouldn’t profit anyone.
We haven’t spoken for quite some time now. I’ve lost track how long. It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. The pain of the lost connection with her is gone and no longer jabs at me. That’s a sad thing to be able to say because it should never be like that. But. It is what it is.
There are days that I miss her. I’ll remember something we laughed hysterically about and giggle to myself. I miss her laugh. It’s very contagious. Guess I never told her that. There’s probably a lot I never said that I should have. Then again, nothing I ever said to her got through anyway since she always believed I was lying and chose to instead tell me what I thought and felt about her. She was always wrong in her assumptions but you could never (and probably still can’t) tell her that. She is much like our dad in believing that she is right much of the time.
There are some things I’d like to leave her with for her birthday. Even though I know if she ever read this, she would disagree with every ounce of it, call me a liar and proceed to make up some story to the contrary. Let her. It doesn’t matter to me what she says because in my heart I know who I am inside, what I feel and what I think. What’s more is that God knows my heart. I have nothing to prove when He already knows the truth.
So, Jill, on your birthday I’d like you to know:
I don’t care that you still have a relationship with dad. In fact, I’m happy that you do. I have never, ever asked, demanded or even required any of my siblings to cut our dad out of their lives. We all had our own Hell to go through and our own decisions to make in regards to rebuilding and repairing a relationship with him. I’ve supported both of our brothers in their endeavors in that area. In no way have I tried to talk them out of it. I never expected anyone to “take sides” during the court sessions or after the sentencing. I stood up for dad several times to his family speaking about forgiveness and family to them. How odd they thought I was. I, the victim of such a heinous crime committed against her by her own father, was telling his family they should forgive him and support him. What I’ve been told fell from your mouth about my reactions towards you and dad are quite different and painted me into some kind of monster and complete bitch.  I know why I don’t talk to dad. And dad knows…even though he says he doesn’t and pretends not to know. He and I have had this conversation several times and the ball is in his court. He knows this and refuses to do anything about it. It’s not anyone else’s business but his and mine.
I LIKE that you’re different from me. I’ve said time and time again that life and families would be so boring if everyone was the same. I love that each of us has our own strengths, quirks, irritating habits and weaknesses. I get so jealous when I watch the movies and there are families getting together for the holidays and they are such a mismatch of weirdness. I always thought that’s how our family would be once we all become adults and had kids.
I don’t understand why you think that I’ve always tried to control you or make you do things my way. You always said that I got mad and would turn on you if you didn’t do things my way. When?! I never turned on you. Get mad? Yes! I would get mad because you would make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. Always jumping from this man to the next, never believing in your own worth as a person or strength as a woman. There is so much I could say here but I won’t. My anger at you was purely because you believed you were weak, not worthy of love or respect, not deserving of anything good or kind in your life. I never turned my back on you. This last time when we stopped speaking, it was you who told me that I was dead to you and to stay out of your life. Not me getting mad because you were fighting with the current man in your life or that I thought you left your kids alone. And for the record, if that man hadn’t filled my head with a bunch of lies about you, I never would’ve called and yelled at you. For all those years I stood by you, bailed you out, supported you and ran to your rescue – you accuse me of constantly shutting you out of my life. Each time we stopped speaking it was You making that decision based on some stupid misunderstanding. Or You trying to tell me what I was actually thinking or doing and when I disagreed, You getting mad and calling me a liar and shutting me out. I don’t get mad at people and “disown” them time and time again as you’ve said for the simple fact that I can’t deal with it. Dad? Yes, I’ve cut off contact with him several times over my lifetime and I would hope that without any details that would be evident to everyone now as to why. Mom? Yes, I believed lies told to me as did our brother but we got to the bottom of it and figured it out. My siblings? No. Friends? Who? Kelly is the only one I turned my back on and then gave her one more chance and she blew it. Again, nobody’s business but it wasn’t because I couldn’t “deal with things like an adult.”
Oh, and one last thing – contrary to what you think, I don’t talk about you AT ALL. I have no reason to. I’m healed from that situation just as I’m healing from the situation with dad. You can continue to say nasty things about me, lie about me and try to turn people against me. I could care less. It’s obvious you still have deep-seated pain and anger about everything from the things I’m hearing. I’m so sorry you have to live like that. I could go on but I won’t. Perhaps it will turn into another blog. Perhaps not.
Jill, my birthday wish for you is that you find a way to forgive yourself and find peace in your life. That you can flush out all the anger and negativity that have their claws latched into you and that you can be truly happy, strong and loved. 

Happy Birthday, Sister. I still love you - always and forever. Even though it doesn't matter.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Eat. Pray. Love.

                                           Goodbye to 2010.
I was laying in bed the other night when I realized that I hadn’t made my usual list of goals for the upcoming year. Of course, I’ve been pondering it during stolen moments here and there but haven’t actually put pen to paper.
I thought back to last year when my goal for 2010  was to Simplify. I succeeded in all areas of my life. I learned new things, worked on my healing journey, fell back in love with & grew in my relationship with God and became a new person who has an entirely different outlook on life. 

                        So what is My Word for 2011?   

                                      There’s three: Eat. Pray. Love.

Each goal I have for the upcoming year fits neatly into one of those three categories. And what do I have planned? Muahahaha! New, great and exciting things! So many changes will happen this year....I can’t wait! I am so looking forward to 2011. I can taste the promise of something wonderful brewing for me and my family. 

Elizabeth Gilbert said, “There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”

                                                HELLO, 2011!!