Sunday, December 22, 2013

Dear Tom.....

So many things that need to be said between us but if I try I will be accused of starting drama. The main thing I want you to know is that I love you. The second thing I want you to know is that being cut out of your life is not affecting me the way you wanted it to.

You removed me from your life because you think I should shut my mouth and stop talking about childhood sexual abuse.
You believe that I'm not helping others and am just wanting attention.
You believe that I can't stop petting the demons.
You  believe that I'm the one that is dragging our family through mud and drama.
You believe that I'm "attacking" mom who, in your opinion, is an innocent bystander because I can't "get a reaction" out of dad.

First, mom isn't innocent at all and you know that. She walked in on the abuse and turned around and walked out of the house - leaving me there to endure hell. She allowed it to continue for years, then divorced dad and left us there with him. When I finally confronted her about it at the beginning of the year (at the urging of my therapist), she ignored me. Has not once acknowledged the email, me, my feelings or any of it. Yet she bitched, cried, complained to you constantly about it. Even lying that I had disowned her. All for which you yelled at me about. This wasn't your battle or your business. I didn't involve you. She did. Instead of handling it like an adult and a parent. Do you know that the only reason she wasn't arrested along with dad is because the law had just changed and the statute of limitations was over regarding her involvement? Otherwise, she would have been behind bars, as she should  have, for allowing her child to be abused.

Second, I don't understand what you mean when you say that I can't get a reaction out of dad. What have I done or am I doing that makes you believe I've ever wanted a reaction from him? You love to throw accusations at me but never, ever will you explain them when I push you on it. I said my peace to dad while he was behind bars. He just wasn't ready to hear it or accept it. He's working on this stuff right now and I'm patiently waiting for the day when he can apologize to me without any "buts" or blaming me and other people for his actions. Contrary to what you think, I'm not mad at dad anymore. I've healed from that. I still get mad at the situation. I still get angry that I have to deal with triggers, memories and the like. But I'm not mad at him anymore. I've spoken to his probation officer and he knows exactly how I feel and has passed it on to dad's counselors and dad. They all know that I want a relationship with him again but not until he is ready to accept all the responsibility and not try to play mind games with me. He is far from being ready according to his counselors and probation officer.

Third, you yelled at me to stop blaming innocent people like mom and place the blame on the real monster - the one who created this mess. Well, why don't you take your own advice and do just that? You are blaming ME for this entire mess. I'm not the one who brought shame to our family name or drug our family through the mud. Dad did. He is the one who created this entire situation. So instead of blaming me - an innocent victim - shift your anger to the one who deserves it. I'm sorry you can't find the strength to deal with the demons who now live inside you. I'm sorry you refuse to face reality, process through this shit and heal. But I have news for you. Cutting me out of your life doesn't erase your past, your pain or your demons. They still exist. They're still thriving. And one day you will have to face them in order to be whole again. One day you will realize how wrong you've been and how you destroyed a relationship with the one person who has always loved you no matter what and had your back. But, for some reason, I think you'll learn this lesson after it's much too late to fix anything.

Lastly, I will never shut up about childhood sexual abuse. Ever. Never. Ever. And I honestly don't care if this action removes you from my life until my death. I was forced to be silent about this my entire life. I was threatened with you and my sister being taken away from me, with mom going to jail, with me going to jail and/or a home, and with my life if I ever spoke about the abuse. I lived in a silent hell where I couldn't be myself and was completely alone. The fact that you are trying to bully me and order me to shut my mouth makes you no different than my abuser. You're trying to control me in order to benefit YOU. It will never happen. I will be your scapegoat and let you blame me for everything wrong in your life and let you tell people that I'm the "bad guy" and that's why you don't have anything to do with me. But I will never in a million years be your (or anyone else's) puppet ever again.

You probably believe that I'm crushed that you've cut me out and that I'm just falling apart because you no longer speak to me. The joke is on you. What you don't realize, Tom, is that I'm not that person you think you know anymore. I'm not the person you've placed inside that box and have expected me to act, think and do what you've always known me to do. I'm a strong, healed woman now. I don't take shit from anyone. I confront bullshit when it's thrown at me. I believe in myself and value myself. I've learned that family ISN'T everything and that it's ok to let family members go if they're toxic. I speak out when it's needed. What you don't know is how big my support system is and how many people believe in me. How many family members, friends and complete strangers have my back.

And, yes, I am helping people. Do you know how many co-workers, friends, friends' kids, my children's friends and their parents, classmates and kids that were in my Sunday school classes and complete strangers that have been affected by the same thing and have not found their voice yet? God has answered my prayers and is using what the devil tried to destroy me with to bring glory to Him and be a blessing to others. I am an advocate, Tom. In my personal life and through other organizations. It's not an attention seeking ploy. It's my calling and brings fulfillment to my life. It's my peace and how I give back to God for rescuing me and answering the prayers of that little girl I was so long ago. I'm sorry you don't understand that but I also don't care if you ever do. I don't need your approval. And I certainly don't need you in my life until you deal with your own demons. I'm not really confident that will ever happen because you are much like dad in that way in that you hold onto things and grudges for life and refuse to look inside yourself at things you need to change.

So, my final words to you, Tom - I love you. Always have. Always will. Unconditionally and without question. No matter what you do to me, say about me or how much you hate me. That love will never die.

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