Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Peek Behind Me....

It's almost the end of the quarter ~ next Friday! I feel SO good about what I've accomplished my first quarter in school. I have straight A's. I was pretty nervous about going back after 20 years. After all, in high school, I passed most of my classes with D's. I got A's in German, Art, and my writing classes….but the rest, I just didn't care about. That stemmed from feeling I was just not worth it after being sexually abused from age 10 on.

Being sexually abused changes everything about your world.


I went from an outgoing little girl, who was always happy and laughing, and had tons of friends to a sad, angry little girl who withdrew from everyone and trusted no one. I remember my life before the abuse. FUN. Carefree. Trusting. Curious about the world. Loved playing with my friends. Loved my family. Slept peacefully at night. I often wonder who I would've become had I not experienced the violence and pain of the abuse.

I turned into a girl who trusted no one and hated lies. After all, I had trusted one of the first people I had ever known and loved unconditionally…and he hurt me beyond words. He would tell me he loved me ~ and then abuse me. He would tell me I could trust him ~ then betray that trust. He would tell me it was over and he wouldn't hurt me any more ~ but it went on for over 5 years. I stopped believing everyone in my world ~ except Grandma. To this day, if I'm lied to, I get angry. I get the same feelings I had when I was little. If a person destroys my trust, they rarely get it back. It's my way of protecting myself. Everyone tells white lies. "Those pants look great on you." Not the lies I'm talking about. Major lies ~ lies that destroy, that hurt~ are unacceptable. What's the motive behind the lie? It truly shows a person's character when they lie and think nothing about the way it can destroy the person they're lying to or about.

I grew up feeling I wasn't worthy of anything good. That I didn't deserve to be happy. I still struggle with this one sometimes. I'm afraid to be too happy because I feel that God will rip it away from me. With the help of the therapy, I've come to learn that I AM worthy, I AM precious, I AM deserving. I do things for myself now that I would never had dreamed of doing. I let others serve me ~ an idea that used to make me nauseous and uncomfortable. I am currently the happiest I've ever been in my life and I make it a point to name my blessings everyday. I can't believe how much GOOD is in my life. I can't believe how CONTENT I am even when there's turmoil around me.

August 2007 until October of 2008…THE worst time in my entire life, aside from the abuse. My abuser was being investigated based on some other reports, and through a letter I had written to him years earlier, my abuse had been found out. It started a storm I thought would overtake and kill me. I had put the abuse and everything associated with it into a room and bolted the door. Suddenly, I was being forced into facing it head-on. There's no way to even begin to describe the hell I went through on a daily basis. Fear, nightmares, insomnia, guilt, flashbacks…and that's just the tip of the iceberg. There were periods of time I actually thought I was going to die. Times where I wanted to die. Times I felt as if I was already dead. The pain was unbearable. The entire process from interviewing, to sentencing, to his release took me on a trip through hell that I am thankful for even now.

I was allowed to break my silence. I no longer live in fear that nobody will believe me or that he will come back for me. Everything was brought to the light and out in the open and it FREED me.


My abuser still has his demons to wrestle with. He still has to confront himself in the mirror and deal with what he has done. Now HE is the one that must live with the same feelings I lived with all these years. It's his turn. I thought that now it's all said and done that somewhere along this path, we could reconcile. That he would realize the magnitude of pain and destruction he brought not only to my life, but to our entire family. But no. I heard the other day that he still blames my mom for what he did. (How does that work?) And he still blames me. After all, I'm the one who told my story to the police. I'm the reason he sat in jail for a year. (Never mind that he got off with a hand slap for Criminal Sexual Conduct in the 1st and 2nd degree) I'm the one that turned my back on him. (Forget how he destroyed the life of a child and stole my innocence.) I've come to accept the fact that I will probably never to speak to him again or have any kind of relationship with him. And I'm fine with that…………………because I'm FREE.

What I don't understand, however, is the fact that my sister turned her back on me. She continues to tell lies about me to other family members. She continues to try and destroy my character. This has gone on our entire lives. It's actually nothing new. But she chose the time during which I was struggling with these demons to not only kick me down and repeatedly stab me, but turn around and play the innocent victim and lie about why we no longer have contact. Who does that to family? Who does that to anyone? I don't fight back, yet she continues. She reminds me of Gollum ~ stroking her "Precious". I know my abuser plays a part in it. His bitterness has rubbed off onto her and she believes everything he says since she is so desperate for his love and attention. It has been like that since we were little. It's so sad.

I will never let her back into my life. Not after taking years of lies and her trying to destroy my life. I've let both of them go.

I've grieved for the loss.

I've moved on.

0 Thoughts:

Post a Comment