Monday, August 30, 2010

No – I don’t wanna.....

" A common analogy for the healing process is that it's like a spiral. You go through the same stages again and again; but traveling up the spiral, you pass through them at a different level, with a different perspective. You might spend a year or two dealing intensely with your abuse. Then you might take a break and focus more on the present. A year or so later, changes in your life - a new relationship, the birth of a child, graduation from school, or simply an inner urge - may stir up more unresolved memories and feelings, and you may focus in on it again, embarking on a second or a third or a fourth round of discovery. With each new cycle, your capacity to feel, to remember, to make lasting changes, is strengthened." (Bass & Davis, The Courage to Heal, 1994)

I have been up and down on that spiral many times and I had finally reached a point where I could let it rest for a while. I was at peace and able to focus in on Today. Right Now.

All that has changed and I'm hanging off the cliff on that spiral of healing.

Holding tight so as not to fall off into the abyss.

Stuck at Anger Impasse.  
I have dealt with immense pain for over the last year and a half. Not just during sex but even while I'm relaxed or going about my day. It feels as though some maniac has taken an ice pick and is stabbing violently through my pelvis and up between my legs. It reached the point to where I just couldn't live like that anymore. I went to my doctor who sent me to a specialist who then referred me to a physical therapist.

Turns out that my pelvic muscles are so tightly wound that they can't relax which in turn leads to immense pain. Subconsciously, she said that my body is rejecting anything that is put inside my body or even placed next to it. It's stressed out. After spending an hour in her office being examined and giving a complete history ~ it was discovered.

The pain had started shortly after my dad had been released from jail. I remember that time, too. It was scarier and more stressful for me than reading my victim impact statement in court. I began having flashbacks and nightmares where I'd wake myself up screaming. I had to sleep with a light on or the TV on so I wouldn't be in the dark. I was a complete and utter mess. The little girl in me knew that he was somewhere out there, capable of hurting me again. Capable of appearing at my bedside in the middle of the dark night. Even though the woman in me knew that he wasn't coming for me. I was safe.  
So here I am. Again. Paying for his wrongs. And I'm ANGRY. I'm so angry! I don't want to do this right now! Physical therapy, remembering, flashbacks, nightmares, therapy…I DON'T WANT TO!!! I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I just want it to GO AWAY.  
How is it that I have to continue the rest of my life going up and down on this rollercoaster because of something HE did? How I wish this page was something out of Harry Potter so that it would SCREAM when you read it. I don't know if that scream would ever end. It would be a continuous scream like the screams of the souls in Hell. It feels as though that's where I am right now. My own personal Hell.


I have been here before.

I've faced those demons head on and fought my way out of Hell time and time again.

I am strong and nothing will keep me down.

Nothing will keep me from Healing and Thriving.


Bring on the Anger- it's the fuel I need to press on and continue on my Journey!

I'm so thankful for those of you that continue to support and encourage me. It means SO much to know that I'm not alone and that I have travel buddies.







0 Thoughts:

Post a Comment