Wednesday, August 5, 2009

We were given an assignment in writing workshop to write 100 things we like about ourselves. I tried and got stuck on #4. So I decided to try a different list we were given. Maybe since this one is done, the one I'm supposed to do will come more easily?

MY 100 THINGS.....

1.I love being a mom. It's the hardest, most rewarding job I've ever had and I'd do it over and over again.
2.I miss my grandma so much it hurts. She was my mentor and hiding place.
3.I have asthma and I hate it.
4.Towels are to be folded a certain way. In half, in half again, and then 1/3's. If they aren't folded this way, I'll take them out of the cabinet and refold all of them. I just can't deal with them being folded any other way. It just looks neater.
5.I have learned that my inner strength is my greatest asset. It has kept me alive.
6.I love Fridays
7.I often trust the wrong people.
8.Once that trust is broken, they rarely get it back.
9.I'm jealous of my daughter's creativity. I used to have it and let it go somewhere along the way.
10.I love Sean more than I've ever loved anyone.
11. He's the only man I've totally been myself with. He knows more about me than anyone.
12.Except my brother.
13.They are the only 2 people I trust with everything and anything. Even my life.
14.One of my favorite things to do is to waste an entire weekend morning fishing with Sean.
15.Big Brother is the only show I refuse to miss for anything. I won't even answer the phone.
16.I rarely watch TV otherwise.
17.I'd rather read a book
18.I love my son's sense of adventure and fearlessness.
19.I daydream a lot. It's how I deal with life.
20.My favorite daydreams involve traveling.
21.I'm having fun planning our honeymoon because it involves a lot of traveling to faraway places.
22.I'm going to Africa to volunteer with my high school BFF.
23.If I didn't have kids, I'd leave everything behind and move to Florida just to be with her.
24.Except Sean. I'd take him with.
25.I often wonder what my life would've looked liked without the sexual abuse.
26.Sometimes I want to be a child again and this time I'd break the silence right away.
27.I love all my girlfriends. They all have a different role in my life.
28.I like tattoos.
29.Sean got my name tattooed on his arm as a surprise for me. I cried because I knew what it meant.
30.It meant he was serious about growing old with me and loving me forever and ever.
31.My last tattoo was of a Phoenix. It has such a significant meaning to me. It marks the end of one chapter in my life and the beginning of a whole new one. It marks the day my silence was broken. It marks the day I started living again.
32.It took 6 1/2 hours in one sitting.
33.I cried for the last hour and a half.
34. I couldn't take the pain anymore.
35.I leaned into the pain and cried for the transformation taking place not only on my back, but in my heart.
36.Cleaning gives me peace.
37.I love the smell of Pine sol.
38.I love my garden and feel close to my grandma when I'm on my knees weeding and sweating.
39.I'm tearing up as I think about Grandma. She was my world.
40.I swear.
41.A lot. But I'm trying to cut back because my kids hate it.
42.I hate swearing.
43.I cry. A lot. About everything. Commercials, my son making a goal in soccer, my daughter's poetry, someone else's pain…you name it.
44.I laugh a lot. Things are funny to me. Sometimes when they shouldn't be.
45.My dream job is to be a writer living in a beach house.
46.I'd love to have the life of Diane Lane in "Under the Tuscan Sun."
47.Did I mention I love making lists?
48.I wish for peace and tolerance of differences.
49.I really like vegetables.
50.I'd rather have second hand clothes than buy new ones off the rack.
51.Doing yoga relaxes me and empties my worry basket.
52.I feel safe & loved when Sean wraps his arms around me at night.
53.I'm so thankful that depression didn't take my daughter's life and that people were placed in our life to help her out of the darkness.
54.I can't make it without coffee.
55.I like words and word games.
56.Two of my favorite books are my dictionary and thesaurus.
57.I like puzzles and can spend hours zoned in on one.
58.I think scars are beautiful.
59.I feel guilty when I see a deputy even though I know I've done nothing wrong.
60.Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I love to have a house full of people and be surrounded by friends and family.
61.I love when my grandpa calls me "Sweetheart" and "Suzy Q." I feel very loved.
62.I want to run marathons. I just want to run.
63.I love the women in my support group. They have all survived and are strong and I learn from them all the time.
64.I hate confrontations but if you keep threatening and harassing me, I will pull out all stops and you might end up regretting it.
65.I keep records of everything ~ just in case. Emails, texts, IM's…everything in its own folder.
66.I'd be lost without my laptop. It contains my life.
67.I love playing computer games and my DS but I'm mostly addicted to the noises they make.
68.I'm obsessed with pygmy and fainting goats. If I'm feeling down, I watch videos of goats on YouTube and laugh until I cry.
69.I love giraffes.
70.I don't EVER kiss anyone's ass to get ahead or even to make my life easier. I think people that expect others to kiss their ass are extremely selfish, arrogant, and insecure.
71.I will not go barefoot outside. I'll wear socks, slippers, flip flops~ whatever. But I hate getting my feet dirty and hate the feeling of dirt and stuff on them.
72.You won't ever see me without my Chapstick.
73.I'm a borderline germaphobe and always carry hand sanitizer.
74.I love crossing things off my "To-do" list.
75.I have saved the movie tickets to every movie Sean and I have seen together since our first date.
76.I used to burn myself with a lighter as a teenager. I'd forgotten about that until my daughter started cutting. It's amazing what intense pain inside will make you do to yourself on the outside.
77.I'm always cold. I've worn a sweatshirt almost the entire summer.
78.The 2 songs that are my life songs: Kirk Franklin "Declaration (This is it!) ; Evanescence "My Immortal"
79.I'm angry that the abuse will affect me the rest of my life and that I'll be healing until my last breath.
80.I can wear my daughter's shirts and my son's shoes.
81.I love gospel choir music.
82.I was a Sunday school teacher and youth leader for 11 years.
83.I have a problem in my relationship with God right now. I believe He's there but I don't trust. Truthfully, there's a lot I don't believe in right now.
84. I'm addicted to Coca-Cola. I really need to kick the habit but I just can't right now ~ it's one of my coping tools.
85.Sometimes I really miss my dad. But I'm willing to wait until he's done working on his issues and hopefully we can have a healthy relationship someday. I'm anxious to see what God has worked out in this area since His hand was in the rest of it.
86.I worry that it will never happen and he'll die without making the effort to heal the little girl in me. It's so hard to trust God with this part because He didn't help that little girl when she cried to Him during the abuse so will He listen to that little girl now that needs her dad to reach out to her in honesty and validation?
87.I'm really angry right now. ANGRY. I hate these feelings.
88.I never felt safe my entire life until I met Sean

89.I am scared to death of my children dying.
90.I'm scared of dying and leaving my children without a mom.
91.I write "Good-bye" letters to my kids and my brother every time I get on a plane. The outside of the envelope says "Open Only On My Death." but I always end up letting them read them when I return. It's kind of morbid but I can't help it.
92.One of my favorite things to do is to lay in my kids' beds and talk with them. I love hearing what's going on in their hearts and heads.
93.As a child, I loved my brother and sister more than anything. There were a few years that I was solely responsible for them and I worried about them constantly and tried to make life fun for them. It was just the 3 of us against the world.
94.Today, my brother is my best friend and my rock. I love him more than life. I would absolutely be lost without him.
95.Today, my sister isn't in my life. She says I'm dead to her and has unfortunate faulty views of how I see her and how I feel about her. If she could see inside my heart, she'd feel like a fool for all the trash she's talked. But I've let her go because I can't deal with the drama and pain anymore.
96.I have two other siblings who came with my dad's 2nd marriage. I love them so much and I wish they lived closer. I miss them horribly. I just want all of my family together.
97.I love spending time with my mom. Both of them.
98.I absolutely enjoy being alone.
99.I get obsessed with tracing my family tree. It totally consumes me when I'm doing it.
100.I can't believe I came up with 100 things. Maybe I can actually make the list I'm supposed to now.

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