Saturday, August 1, 2009

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

I can't believe it's August 1st already and that summer's almost over.

I can't believe the writers' workshop is ending in two weeks. It feels like we just started!

I can't believe I got the Dean's Award for Perfect 4.0 GPA.

I can't believe we are deciding my daughter's college plans for next year. Wasn't she curled up in my lap with her Lovie and a sippie cup just last week?

There's so many things I find hard to believe right now. Time is moving way too fast. The thing I find hardest to wrap my understanding around is how far I've come on this journey. If you'd told me two years ago that I'd be standing in this very spot right now ~ I would've laughed at you in disbelief. In fact, my advocate did tell me. The other women in my support group told me. And I did. I laughed at disbelief.

It felt as though the pain and humiliation I felt at the time would never lessen because it was so great it swallowed me up. I couldn't see even a glimpse of light from the bottom of that pit. My healing journey's been hard and long and painful and it's not done yet. It will continue throughout the rest of my life.

When I look back at where I was and see where I am now ~ I cry.

There is thankfulness in my tears. Thankful that God heard my cries to be healed and though the way He brought it about wasn't what I had in mind, He knew what was best. And He placed people in my life to show me where to start and how to get there.

There is joy in my tears. I've never been happier in my life. I laugh more. I take time to have fun. I live.

The pain is still there and pops up every once in a while but it's not as strong. The nightmares are still there but there are fewer of them. The flashbacks are still there but most of them no longer paralyze me with fear for days on end.

I am able to cope with it, learn from it, put it where it belongs, and keep moving.

The poem I wrote for writing class just came out and when I looked back at it, I realized that each section is about a time in my life and what I did to cope with each one at the time. I hid, I ran, I fought...and now I heal. And though I'm no artist, I had to add the picture of what was in my head as I wrote the poem. The abuse and everything it entailed at the top which created a lifelong bondage for me. The many tears I cried as a child and throughout my life. Down to the chain breaking with my silence being broken and a Phoenix rising from the ashes of the old life. Wings spread wide and full of color, happiness, newness and freedom.

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